OWEN'S LOG
by deetatarant
Summary: Far more interesting than anything the Captain has to say......
1. Chapter 1

Chief medical officer's log: Torchwood 3: Owen...King of cool...etc etc... That title is just too Star Trek for words....Harper.

Captain Jackie came back to the Hub with a bloody leather bird last night. No, not a tart in a Goth costume, a proper leather bird, with wings, a beak and razor sharp teeth....What do the girls do? Awww isn't that sweet?! Women, they have no fricking clue really. It's a bloody dinosaur for fuck's sake and it'll fly about overhead and it won't be pigeon droppings falling on us either! Harkness better get used to mopping up the shit!

The other new arrival to our vast underground empire was a Cyberman's reject called Ianto Jones...Some local tart that somehow managed to escape death or conversion at Canary Wharf. Of course the Captain just wants to shag him, so why not get the poor kid to do the paperwork and mop up the birdshit as well? That man should really learn to keep it in his pants. He's probably had the boy already knowing him. I think I must be the only TW employee not to have been had by that man. I should ask Tosh actually, I bet he hasn't had her...too catholic!

I can't believe this place...Still the newbie looks like he be quite a source for fun, he's only been here a few hours and already I can see he's a neat freak. Damn fine coffee though and Harkness has finally employed someone who can work THAT coffee machine.

Beat Suzie at basketball again, she's just naturally a crap shot, good though means I'll get a free pint tonight.

MEDICAL: Opened up new file for Ianto Jones. Did his medical first thing. He seems fit enough, definitely suffering from PTSD and could probably do with a decent meal. (Almost as skinny as me). However the most striking thing about him is his over politeness and eagerness to please which is very creepy....Ok so it's his first day.

Wouldn't like to guess what he went through at the Wharf though, that can't have been good.

I think Jack was an idiot taking him on, probably should have Retconned him as soon as he met him, still if the half decent coffee keeps coming I am NOT going to complain any thing is better than the muck that Suzie makes.

The post Canary Wharf clean up has been a bit of a night mare...even now we are still dealing with the aftermath. Glad UNIT are around really, even if they are a bunch of tossers. Jack's temper has finally calmed enough after mopping up after Yvonne Hartman...The worst bit has been writing to inform families that their loved ones have been killed and lying about how it happened. We agreed on a cover story with UNIT, for the good of national security and all that crap, doesn't make me feel any better about the lie though. Sometimes this job is a pile of shite.

Weevil studies continue. I am convinced that they are telepathic. I introduced our new tea boy to the one we have in the cells, I was most disappointed because he didn't squeal like a girl, like that UNIT bloke did the other week! That's the other thing that is weird...tea boy wears a suit for work, must be a hang up from TW1, bet that's what Jack went for.....that boy is so not safe if he keeps dressing like that!

That's it then...don't know why I have to do this anyway waste of bloody time if you ask me!


	2. Chapter 2

Doctor's log: Dr Owen Harper Torwood (oops sorry that'd be Torchwood 3 better known as Jurassic Basement!). spell check is shit on this thing....what bloody software is this? I bet its bloody Vista.

Spent half the bloody day in the freezing rain in a manky boat in the harbour trying to fish out something that Tosh's scanners picked up. Discovered the only one of us that could dive was Tea Boy so had to drag him along...Harkness did nothing but leer as the poor terrified boy got into a wet suit and went for a dip. Our boss really has no shame and Tea Boy made some dead pan comment about harassment and actually cracked a smile. He doesn't do that very often. Anyway he found a segmented metal glove and a weird looking knife. Boss man took no real interest until the Tea Boy was back in his suit... I think he (Jack) was walking a bit awkwardly for most of the day after that....Anyway I hate boats...I mean really hate them and by the time we got back I was freezing my arse off so I ordered Tea Boy to make coffee and Tosh told me not to be such a bossy git. He's the tea boy what the fuck am I supposed to ask him to do?

Had three autopsies to deal with as well. Discovered that some of the weevils seem vulnerable to human flu. I think we'll have to start tagging the ones we catch on the streets before putting them back into the sewers I'd like to be able to track where they go and what they do as the population appears to be on the increase.

Tea Boy has been very efficient about getting the paperwork done though he does keep removing my mould experiments from the autopsy bay. He bought me a special fried.....fridge.... for them instead...How come he asks for something and the boss just falls over his own dick to get it for him?! I'm charming and handsome and somehow I don't think I have the same effect!

Suzie has made a sauce for the dino for feeding time because she tried eating one of Tosh's monitors and did eat one of my lab coats...Stupid leather bird, at least it isn't shitting everywhere and seems happy to nest in her lair that Harkness and Tea Boy built for her. They probably had a shag up there to try it out...

Suzie's also taken over the glove thing...Her eyes lit up the moment she saw it. I think that'll keep her amused for a good while she was getting bored with the dysfunctional pulse canon.

Right, so what else am I supposed to write? Oh yes UNIT still haven't returned my deep tissue scanner....must moan at the boss about that AGAIN.


	3. Chapter 3

Dr Owen Harper's: Journal of a...God what am I exactly, sexy beast? Luuurrve Surgeon (No maybe not that!) I'll have to ask Tea Boy, he's good at naming things except leather birds that is. Mifanway...for fuck's sake it just had to be bloody Welsh didn't it no wonder the damn thing keeps squawking!

Right ok I am up to date with my reports.....woo hoo! Ianto helped actually, seems he's more conversant with the ability to type than I am, hey I'm a doctor not a receptionist! He typed up my entire Dictaphone notation for me and made me coffee and cleaned up the Hub and fed me with Pizza. Rift has been dead quiet so us men had a shootout in the firing range to 'check all the weapons'. Harkness was seriously trying to show off here and guess what? Tea Boy's a better shot then he is. I nearly pissed myself laughing. Tea Boy neatly dodged the Captain's groping and still managed to aim straight, that'll teach Captain Golden Balls to mess with the staff.

Tosh just shook her head at us and offered one of those long suffering looks then the alarms go off and we have to trudge out to deal with a rift alert. Tea Boy stayed behind to assist Suzie with her glove work.

Weevil watching is going well...Have tagged 3 more and all the trackers are working. They seem to spend less time in the sewers than we first assumed....who can blame them really....Tosh has set up a special program for me so that their movements are automatically stored and ananlysed....yep ok spelt that bloody word wrong as well...Piss off Tea Boy! Smug git. Looks like he's swanned up to Harkness' office with the last coffee on the tray. I really must check the CCTV logs for incriminating evidence.

The boss has asked for a medical stock inventory as well. I'll do it tomorrow though; Tea Boy gave me a list of things I might want to ask for....He's great at getting things out of the boss....Tosh is bloody looking at me again as well. Wish that girl would get a life.....Not in a million years honey....Too weird. Mind you Suzie is pretty weird too. She was actually talking about that glove while we were shagging last night! Can you believe it...she really needs to get her priorities in order. Owen.....glove....Owen...Owen...Owen... at least she was calling my name when she climaxed, should be grateful for that really. I wonder if Harkness reads this.....Ah, Tea Boy has emerged, he looks a bit fed up actually, maybe Jackie's charms are wearing a bit thin? Shit he's looking at me now...Why is everyone looking at me?

I'm glad I'm in London next week for this conference....better class of one night pick me ups without the fruity accents. Mind you with Jack in tow I bet I don't get a look in, that man is a babe magnet, I have to hand it to him they all come running when he's around....bastard. I've just realised how obsessed with sex anyone reading this would think I am....really I am not. I have a WII console at home and a PS3....My name is Owen Harper...I like sport... music....games...booze....food and sex in no particular order.....

Actually I could murder a curry, might get Tea Boy to order an Indian for the night shift. I hate bloody nightshift; the rift always kicks off just before I'm supposed to go home. I reckon it does it on purpose! I could do with a pint as well.

I think I am bored.....

Really bored...

Time to annoy Ianto.


	4. Chapter 4

Awesome Owen's Oracle...TW3

Suzie was in a right mood this morning....You see this is what happens when you turn down a night of unbridled passion with the resident medic. Mind you even Ianto's coffee can't kill my hangover and guess what? Suzie wants to try out that blasted glove on the corpses in the morgue. God I wish I was still in London. Still gotta feel sorry for the Tea Boy really she was trying to test it with him last week. I've seen more life in a wet blanket than there is in him, it'd be like the dead trying to commune with a stiff! What I don't get is how the hell she reasons that the glove is for raising the dead! Do we want to raise the dead? Are we so short of staff that we need to recruit Zombies now? Even the boss was looking a bit sceptical....Anyway it'll never work. Tea Boy is currently sorting out a couple of stiffs that aren't too badly mutilated...gotta admire that kid really, nothing phases him....just so long as he remembers to wash his hands before making my next brew....Fuck my head is killing me....ok seeing double now...where's the waste paper bin....

Tea Boy won't like that 'can't recycle the paper if you puke on it Owen.'! I can't believe he recycles the paper.....he even shreds it first....definitely need to jam something in the shredder.

Still haven't found any 'evidence' on the CCTV. I asked Tosh if she thought anything had been wiped and she just rolled her eyes at me in the same way that tea boy does.....actually when Tosh does it....ew it's a bit of a turn off really.

Did finish the new Harry Potter, Hermionie is turning into quite a hot chick....I wonder...ok

Jack.....Neville Longbottom. Possibly Hagrid.

Suzie....Professor Mc Gonnigal (Ok yes spelt that wrong too!)

Tosh.....Ginnie Weasely.

Ianto....Goyle or Crab (They are both toadying lackies).

Me...Snape....of course....evil genious.....genius!

Also gave everyone an intelligence test...just for medical research purposes of course....

The winner.....Tosh......142.....fuck me Einstein.

2nd place.....Can you bloody believe it????? Tea Boy...that is just not fair! 135.

3rd place....The cool Costello she should really have beaten tea boy though. 132

4th place....Moir....130

LAST.....Gotta love this......Captain Jackie Pants....112....and he cheated!

All he said in responce .......response was, 'well Owen size is the only thing that matters'..... Perhaps I should ask Ianto about that as well.

I've noticed that boy doesn't get out much....He is the weirdest 24 year old man I have ever met...he's probably the bloke who sits in a corner at a party and talks to the potted plants over a perier water. What IS it with the suits? I am sure he does it to wind Harkness up.I think Jack should just jump him and get it over with!

Spose I'd better get the A Bay ready for Suzie's communions with the corpses...Never a dull moment here...God I bet she's gonna make all of us try it out for laughs.....Rapture.


	5. Chapter 5

Shit....Shit....Shit!

Well, didn't realise a bottle of spray.....ok hormonal, hormonal...oodywatsits spray...God and now I have a hard on that won't go down.. Had to find my baggiest jeans this morning and Tea boy and Jack have been looking at me like they know I've got a problem....bastards! Still well worth the pain, it'll take Mandy from the Red Lion a week to sleep off every page of the Karma Sutra.....cause I'm just hot....hot...hot...hot...hot!

Get a grip Owen...she's looking at me again...maybe because I am squirming in my seat and one finger typing aginn...again.

Suzie now wants to try the glove on 'fresh' bodies.....so I'll just go out and murder a couple of people...you know for the sake of scientific research an' all that!

Ahhhhh, thank you Tea Boy, smells like the Arabica beans this morning...God I just love his coffee, real shame he isn't a girl really.

Have decided to try out some basic tests on Janet. Think I will start with small motor function things first, she really is quite fascinating, physiologically not really massively different from us, but she is so different. I wonder what her home planet is like. Jack reckons they are the universe's equivalent to vermin or rats....Fuck I'd hate to have them chewing on my cabbages...Did I really just say that?

Dino brain has finally figured out that things covered in sauce are for eating.... In fairness to tea Boy he has trained her really well, perhaps I should sauce him up for dessert...maybe not...no one else does coffee like he does...He was actually rubbing its beak the other day and smiling at it. It was weird seeing him smile, it didn't look right.

Suzie's the same, she gets more caustic by the day and that bloody glove...she spends way too much time with that thing...maybe she uses it for....perhaps I should stop that thought from unfolding......

Harkness insisted on a re-test of our IQs, I think he was a bit gutted to come last, then he goes on about getting out a tape measure and threatened to drop mine and Ianto's pants to compare sizes...Ianto sensing trouble did a road runner in the direction of the archives faster than you can say Torchwood. I wouldn't be surprised if Jack's is the biggest....chemically enhanced of course. Ianto's probably a girl...Doesn't stop Harkness from groping him though. I don't how the boy puts up with it, he (Jack not Ianto) tried it with me once (probably just to see how I'd react...you know 'the opportunity presented itself'.....tart!) anyway I slapped him and slipped a laxative into his coffee. Tea Boy got the blame too.

Right then....Star Trek this time...Ok so I like trek...what's wrong with that?

Jack......Riker.......only because of the stupid cheesy grin and the number of people he shags...though will riker has better taste.

Suzie.....Spock....ok different star trek.....AU ok?!

Tosh....Geordie La Forge...brainy and too goody goody to be true.

Ianto....Data.....He knows everything and probably DOES have an internal clock!

Me......Captain Kirk and Picard....Smart, intelligent and the only one capable of being in charge and always gets the girl!!!!

Red Dwarf!

Jack......Lister. Do I really need to say why?

Tosh......Holly 2.

Suzie....Holly 1 (Sorry Norman).

Ianto....definitely Kryten.

Me....The Cat.

Deep Space Nine (I'm on a roll here)

Jack.....Morn the weird alien who always sits in Quarks bar....

Tosh....The lovely Dax mixed with miles obrien

Suzie....Kira and Worf. sexy, sassy and downright grumpy.

Ianto....Quark.(It's the ears!)

Me...Garak the cardasian. who else...he's the smartest man on the station.

Bored now.....

**AN: THANK YOU FOR SO MANY REVIEWS....If any one has a choice of show that Owen would like to re cast let me know!!!!!!NEXT ENTRY WILL BE MUCH MORE SERIOUS AS I AM SURE YOU WILL ALL HAVE GUESSED!**


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: THIS IS FOR...SOLSBURY GIRL, X-ATHENEA-X AND GALADRIEL1010.**

**The chronicles of the Cadaver King continue........** Hey I figured out the bold button!

Well, Suzie you're going straight to hell for that one. How is it we missed the fact that our beloved colleague and fuck buddy is a serial killer? Shit....Yeah...shit!

So of course Harkness gets cranky about us taking things off the base, like Tosh and I wander around with fucking freaky knives stabbing people and trying to turn them into Zombies. Oh yes and Goodie Two Shoes tea boy doesn't 'borrow' things from the archives?!

To be honest log book I'm reeling a bit...Perhaps I have seriously underestimated the pshcological .......psycological ........fuck fuck fuckety fuck! Bloody spell check....the effects of working at Torchwood 24/7. I guess we are all damaged by different things. I wonder if the glove itself had some kind of hold on her like a telepathic thing. It never occur to me to check her notes or look for medical side effects....Looks like I shall be reviewing my procedures from now on.

Had to deal with the plod as well some ditsy bimbo who has managed to bypass the Retcon effects and score a job with us...What the f..K is that all about?...Harkness must be getting desperate....another bloody newbie at least Ianto makes coffee.

I can't believe Suzie did that shit....Fuck. Poor old Tosh, she's well upset and had a spiffy at Jack for replacing Suzie like before she was even cold in the morgue draw.

Ianto went to Suzie's house to pack up and double check that there were no relatives that needed informing....We're a bunch of sad fuckers really...Suzie had no one.

Tea Boy didn't seem very bothered. I guess he's seen it all before at Canary Wharf...This is the first person I've lost since Katie....I know it should bother me and it does but I am not sad....angry I guess....angry with myself for not seeing it. Some friend I turned out to be....Were we ever friends? Nah, probably not and only fuck buddies because there is no one at home to share the shit with. The boss was very quiet this evening, sat in his office on high brooding over a large scotch and talking the tea boy to death. Ianto just looks blank, I'd love to know how he manages to look so manikin like all the time...Think I might see if Tosh wants to go for a drink...I think we could do with getting drunk.

TV shows....I have to continue this now...though its bit weird.....

The Simpsons: (Tosh's suggestion)

Jack......Homer, I think the gut is his way of over compensating.....gross....

Ianto....Madge...has to be...Jack's the only person who wants to shag him.... and he does sort of look after us.

Tosh...Lisa, definitely the smartest member of the family.

Gwen.....Ned Flanders......PC Plod do gooder.....

Me...Bart...bad arse boy!

Ianto said I should do Blake's 7....God I used to love that show! I'm surprised he's even heard of it! Perhaps he's a closet Sci Fi geek?!

Jack......Servalan....only he could pull off those dresses as well as she does!

Ianto......Orac...he (it) knows everything and Servalan is always after it.

Tosh....Vila, clever and kinda likable too.

Gwen.....Jenna because I know all she's going to do is flirt with the boss and let's face it Jenna and Gwen are both pretty damned hot.

Me....Avon, swarve, ruthless, handsome and just fucking brilliant.

R.I.P. Suzie Costello...no shit Sherlock!


	7. Chapter 7

The Mad Medic's Monologue....damn where's the bold button....**The Mad Medic's Monologue Cont.....**Spose I should delete that first bit really...where's delete? How do I?....Tosh!!!!????

It's just plain weird without Suzie.

Newbie has already fucked up and released a Sex gas into the world.....What a way to go!...That alien should've shagged Jack...surprised it didn't...and you know what, the whole time we've been Hub side Harkness has flitted between ogling Cooper and leering at the Tea Boy...He has no shame. Cooper does have a very nice arse though. Get a load of those teeth!!!!

Newbie has got a boyfriend! She showed us all a photo...God what a...ok he's a fat git...what is she doing with that? It'll never last two months here and she'll be begging me to take her.

Ianto doesn't seem overly fussed on her, if anything he tries to avoid her. I reckon he finds her a bit too normal...ie: she actually talks to people and smiles. I've only ever seen him talk to Harkness, they've got to be shagging!

I'm not complaining keeps Jackie boy happy, I guess.

Got some footage of Newbie snogging the girl with the alien gas...pretty hot really I'm thinking of emailing Rhys....I think that's his name, bet he's a Welsh git an' all. What is it with the Welsh and weird names? I mean Ianto what the fuck is wrong with Bob? Or John? I think Ianto would be a Derek though. I did hear Jack call him Alfred the other day (Batman's Butler) for all you uneducated people out there......Who the hell is going to read this anyway...Did the lights just flicker? Ah shit don't .....don't I haven't pressed save yet. Soddddddding generator.

Oi Ianto!

As I was saying....oh yeah...Weevil studies. Coming along nicely thank you very much. Janet is responding to her tests....No weevils were harmed during the making of this educational video..... She's very dexterous actually. I reckon they are smarter than they look.

Jack asked me how I thought Ianto was settling in....Like I know...or care....He makes the coffee, does the filing and orders the pizza....does he need more?

Seriously, the kid is OCD and suffering from PTSD....He never talks about Canary Wharf and who can blame him, I never talk about Katie....What the hell does Jack expect...leave the kid alone let him deal with things in his own way I reckon....He does work too many hours though....don't spose he's got much to go home to, like the rest of us...all except Newbie of course.

Jack's just horny and can't decide between Newbie and Teabie....cool like that.

Right then today.....super heroes....

Jack.....Batman....it's the coat.

Ianto.....Clark Kent...(Not superman though)....neat freak!

Tosh....Rogue...anyone touches her they really are dead!

Newbie.....Storm...tempremental bitch....I mean really! Gotta love my spell checker!

Me.......The Joker...(Ok so he's not a hero)...evil genius though.

Whose running the country?

Jack.....Minister for defence...(Harry Saxon......tosser).

Ianto....The Queen.

Tosh.....President Winters...because she can.

Newbie.....Camiila Parker Bowles..only because she claims to be in a happy relationship.

Me......God.....obviously.

and SAVE.


	8. Chapter 8

I don't think I am ever going to get that image out of my head...jack's pretty pissed at me for going after Edwin Morgan...but the guy deserved everything that he got. I'm just sorry that Gwen got caught up in the middle of it.....Shit...could my day get any worse? It was just...I know I wasn't there but to see what that scum bag did to her (lizzie) and not be able to help...I hope that device never sees the light of day again....Cooper took it home with her and I'm a bit pissed off that Jack didn't give her a bollocking, but then I guess we all break the rules....except Tea Boy that is.

I feel like shit, can't believe I have been so affected by this.

Janet research...I've been trying her on different meats to see how she responds and then offering things like fruits...amazingly she was able to peel an orange but she refused to eat it though she did seem to like the smell as she rubbed the peel over her hands and kept sniffing them....Chicken didn't go down too well neither did fish, but she likes lamb so I am using that as a treat for when she co-operates with experiments.

Tea Boy has been quiet lately...apart from to lock it up he refused to touch the 'ghost machine'. He looked terrified of it actually...Me thinks he's also looking too pale and thin, these days....don't think he ever goes home. Still if he's not shacking up with Jack each night I wonder where he is sleeping.

Sometimes I just hate this job....still thinking about Lizzie Lewis...I don't even know why this one got me like it did.

Tosh loved the device of course, gave her a chance to show off her technical wizardry...she is good I'll give her that! She's a weird one. I think all women are....the bloody lights again...Fucks sake.... We seriously need a new generator...Thought Tea Boy fixed it! Obviously not useless git.

Tosh tried showing me how to attach an image file to this and of course I can't do it and I'm too embarrassed to ask her again...maybe I can bribe the Tea Boy...threaten one of his ties or feed laxative to the leatherbird...No maybe not we'd all need brolleys if I did that....

This game is becoming routine now...

Parts of the body....

Jack....Penis...Obviously it is the only thing he thinks with.

Ianto....Hand....Because that's the only way he gets any.....

Tosh....Brain...obviously doesn't need any.

Gwen.....Tits....yeah she's got nice ones...

Me.....Now...this is not easy.....balls I think basically because I'm brave, handsome....etc etc....

Alternate names....No wait porn names....Yeah

Jack.........Damn this is really hard.....no not that...it is really hard to think of one....Captain Charisma? Captain Cock?......

Ianto.....Queen Coffee Cutie.

Tosh.....Toshi Truelove

Gwen.....Love Lips

Me......Doctor Dildo...Hah that's a bit gross.....Doc Debonaire. Oh yeah trust the bloody spell check to get that wrong!

Name therapy...see I feel better already.....


	9. Chapter 9

I just don't fucking believe it !

Shit.......

Well I hate to admit it, but if that had have been Katie I'd have done the exact same thing as Ianto...Never thought I'd ever say it but I actually feel sorry for the poor bloke.

It took Tosh and I screaming at Jack not have Ianto Retconned...I mean lets face it we never gave the kid any reason to trust us with his secret....what is it? If it's alien it's ours? Jesus I can't imagine what he's been going through. Cause I know how he feels now I know how I felt when I lost Katie....Shit....He's just a bloody kid. No one should have to put up with that amount of crap in an entire lifetime let alone......

Jack made me take him home after it was all over. I got a bit of a shock when I got to his bed sit I can tell you....what a shit hole....Ianto didn't seem to notice...he's behind on his rent and hasn't paid the bills because he spent all his money to try and fix Lisa. He sent me away and I'll be honest I was reluctant to leave him alone...not because I care....I don't know maybe I do...I just remember me not so long ago and how lonely that was having no one to help me. He wouldn't let me check him over either.

Gotta admit I wasn't overly impressed with what he did....I mean a fucking Cyberchick....I hope he wasn't shagging it while....Oh god that just doesn't bare thinking about.....I can't see it myself...Ianto's too prim....but....I just can't get my head round the fact that NONE of us noticed. Maybe we did and we just pretended everything was ok with him because we couldn't.....I couldn't be bothered....and let's be honest with myself I couldn't. Fuck me.

Harkness handled the situation with his usual tact and diplomacy of course. Aren't we supposed to be a team? Aren't I supposed to be the one responsible for everyone's welfare?

I did put Lisa through all of our Bio scanners before we put her in the incinerator....just in case we came across something again....You know if Ianto had have felt able to trust us...we just might have been able to save her....I had that argument with Jack he was totally unmovable in his view. He's seen these things before I guess and not just when all those fucking ghost things turned up.

Everyone else is ok...jack took two massive electric shocks off that thing, but somehow survived....Fuck knows how and Ianto...well I was sure he was a gonner when Lisa chucked him across the Hub......Jack reckoned he gave him the kiss of life....

Talking of kisses, had a good snog with Gwen, quite a turn on with the adrenalin pumping lying in a body draw with her tits squashed against my chest.

I just can't believe what happened....

Still Ianto's got a good right hook, didn't know he had it in him....all in the name of love...sad fucker.

I'd better drop by his place tonight and make sure he hasn't done himself a favour with a bullet.

Clean-ups a bitch. Jack and I handled it...sent the girls home....finally found Tanizaki's body too....Jack's livid...he hates Torchwood One and kept going on about never been able to trust any of them....Dunno though I think he just feels as guilty as I do.

At least the generator won't give us any more crap.


	10. Chapter 10

Doctor Dolittle's Dinosaur Diagnostics........Yep that's me Dino Doc!

Cyber chick from hell managed to injure the leather bird so Jack and I had to shoot it with a tranqu and stitch her wing....what a bloody polava! ...pavlova...no that's not right spell check's given me the wrong bloody word now.....

We're all still recovering from the Lisa thing....Tea Boy got a four week suspension in the end and the day after I went to visit him ...just to check and found him almost dead on his kichen floor.....No surprises there. Jack and I took twenty minutes to revive him and packed him off to Cardiff general. I should have stayed with him when I left him there but fuck I was angry...Shit.

That was a bit of a wake up call for all of us....We had a meeting in the board room about it...a de brief I spose...Jack is still furious on the outside, but I spoke to him later in his office and he's really gutted because he fucked up so badly.....then he confessed....well to liking Ianto rather more than he should and being jealous because of the betrayal...Needless to say we both had a shit load to drink that night. Jack's got a lot of soul searching to do and Ianto has got a truck load to make up for when he gets back. I guess I'm just angry now. The betrayal thing aside...bottom line he could've killed us all...did kill two people and it is all his fault, he made a choice....worse case scenario....end of the fucking world....how can anyone love that much...not sure I could...not sure I did...not THAT much.

Anyway I shall be glad when he comes back....I need someone to snark at and some decent coffee.....Gwen's brew is worse than Suzie's used to be....mind you those low cut tops she wears....don't mind getting an eyeful of that.

Tea Boy's due out of hospital tomoorw....what is this?...predictive texting?.....TOMORROW...got it......TOMORROW......!!!!!! it's gonna be a while before anyone wants to talk to him again. I checked at the hospital no one visited Tea Boy even though we notified his mother that he was in hospital...Looks like he's on his own...join the club.

Had to chase down two weevils through city centre last night...my legs were killing me by the end of it....they walk funny but they can't arf move when they want to.....Jackie seems to enjoy the chase, bit of a distraction I guess. Anyway managed to Tag them both and direct them back into the sewers with the help of some lamb stakes.......steaks. You know sooner or later they are going to figure out what a whole lamb looks like then the local farmers will be moaning about Yetis and warewolves.....

My studies have been put on hold for the last 10 days so now hopefully I can get back to work....make sure Tea Boy has mountains of dictation to type up when he gets back...Got the feeling he'll want to keep busy for a while. Jack paid off his rent arrears and found him a nicer flat nearer the Hub. We moved his stuff all of about 10 boxes, he doesn't own much. At least he'll have a better place to come back to. I think Jack feels he needs to look after him a bit...then I found out that Tosh has put CCTV cameras in the flat and it turns out the new place is one of our 'safe houses'.

Right then time for some renaming......Biblical characters.....

Jack.....God....only in his dreams.....more like Mary Magadelane.

Ianto....Judas!

Tosh....The Virgin Mary.....

Gwen....Any woman will do with those attributes....

Me.....Moses: 10 commandments? Rules were made for breaking baby!

I am so going to hell......

Lord Of The Rings....

Jack....Frodo Baggins...It's the come hell or high water thing...see it through to the end....but never perfect.

Ianto....Gollum.....obviously.

Tosh....Galadriel...wise, pretty, and mystique....is there such a word...oh look the spell check actually corrected a deliberate error...bastard!

Gwen....Arwen...in her dreams.

Me...Aragorn...that way I get Arwen and a really big sword.


	11. Chapter 11

Harper's Holistic hospital.....and Hormone replacement therapy centre.....

Jack really pisses me off sometimes. Sanctimonious git.......

Tea Boy is back at work and wondering around the place like a fucking ghost...The Hub has never looked so clean and the coffee is even better than before if that is at all possible.... and all the paperwork is done.....So what's the problem? Ianto is just plain creepy...he never speaks, his facial expression doesn't alter....Yeah, like I said....creepy. I did offer him a short course of anti depressants but he refused....Jack's told me to keep an eye...I'm keeping Two mostly cause I don't trust him and also because I still think he might try topping himself....really don't want that on my conscience. I just wish he'd talk...even the odd sentence would be a start....

Gwen went off on one at Jack because of that kid, but mostly I think because she's figured out just how dangerous her job is...I think it's the first time she's felt truly threatened.

The new tracking thingy for the weevils is paying off...I've been able to map which one's go where at different times of the day...I think there may even be a couple of family units....Wondering if we need to steralise them.......spell check!!!!! Tosh...I really must get her to fix this. Any way weevils....what was I saying oh yeah....can't have the buggers breeding like rabbits. We haven't seen any smaller or younger looking weevils out on the streets so I wonder if they are kept in the sewers or if there are any juveniles about....There must be some.

Tea Boy suggested installing some cameras into the tunnels that are most populated so I can study their behaviour so I am going to suggest that to Jack....So long as I am not the one who has to put them down there....Ianto's idea, he can do it....he'll be good at that....he's used to creeping around damp smelly tunnels.

Right now we're just completeing clean-up......grrrrrrrr really I am not that thick...COMPLETING...... clean-up after the whole Faerie thing...Ianto has inherited Estelle's cat...Moses. He said he likes cats and needed someone to look after who didn't hate him...He thinks we all hate him....maybe we do. Anyway Jackie was in a really shit mood after the old lady died.....no idea why and Gwen told me not to be so bloody insensitive because she was a friend of Jack's dad during the war or some such bollocks....I don't believe half the tales that bloke spins....she was probably his mother or some such damn thing. Who bloody cares anyway? Seems like any damn thing we do, one of us gets hurt.

I've been thinking I really need to show Gwen a good time too...She does this thing where she rolls her tongue over her bottom lip when she's thinking....Fuck it's hot...That tongue those lips...I can think of much better things for them to be doing.....I wonder if fat boy keeps her satisfied? Can't see it myself...she needs someone who can go the distance.

Caught Jackie boy eyeing up Tea Boy this morning too...I think he's trying to work out how to get Ianto in the sack.....somehow, after blowing his girlfriend away I don't think he stands much of a chance....

Animals then.....

Jack.....Stallion (horny and pretty)...He'd love that description....more like a Bull though...in a china shop that is!

Ianto....Sheep...he's Welsh...go figure.

Tosh....Squirrel...I just remember that mission impossible ad with the clever squirrel running along the wires to get it's nuts...

Gwen.....That Sloth in Ice Age...it's the teeth.

Me....Lion....cause I'm King.

How about clothes....Yes I have taken my medication today!

Jack.....Cod piece! Do you need to ask?

Ianto....Socks. Because he should be trodden under foot.

Tosh....Ballgown. Smart and beautiful...classy.

Gwen...dungerees. Home girl farm type...She's Welsh.

Me.....Calvin Klien underwear.....sex and style.


	12. Chapter 12

Will I ever eat meat again? I ask myself. The only good thing about that little excursion to the fucked up village from hell was the shag fest with Gwen afterwards...Am I really that crass? Yes! That was just a head fuck and Harkness should be shot for the biggest balls up in Torchwood history. It is a miracle that Tosh and Ianto are in one piece and for once Ianto managed to do something helpful....Well if he didn't have PTSD before, he will have now.

Gwen shot in the side...fortunately not too serious just painful and thank god I'm a first class trauma surgeon...Tosh got some nasty bruising to her neck but she is breathing ok and should be fine in a few days. Tea Boy...shit was literally kicked out of him...loads of bruising most of his ribs either cracked or broken, no serious internal damage...god knows how! We are all going to be having nightmares over that one for a bit.

Gwen very upset by the fact that she could not understand why those fuckers were like they were. Tosh and Tea Boy were just plain scared half to death...Ianto kept trying to reassure us that he didn't taste like chicken....shit Head fuck....I'm at a loss. I think we should've just blown em all away personally, but since Gwen started working with us...well trying to be human... bollocks... waste of fucking time if you ask me.

Of course I got copious amounts of teasing for leaving the keys in the SUV...Ok so I am a Muppet occasionally nobody is perfect!

Ianto and Tosh and Gwen are all on medical leave for a few days...2 weeks in Ianto's case. Jackie has drafted in some UNIT back up. He took Ianto home last night and hasn't got back yet....seriously hope he hasn't tried shagging him in that condition. Gwen stopped at mine and I dropped her back at her flat and went by to check on Tosh....she'll be ok....she's a fighter that one. Shit that is the last fucking time I ever go near a tent.

I wonder what tent fobia....phobia is? Campaphobia? Tentaphobia? Either way I've a bad case of it!

It's weird I'm the only one in the Hub at the moment....expect I'll have to feed the leather bird....she gets a bit arsey if Ianto doesn't feed her...apparently he sings to her...so Jack tells me anyway....that is ...peculiar....why am I surprised by this?

Better do some work then.......


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: Dedicated to Greywolf 15 and Wickedwitch of the SE. Thank you so much for reading my nonsense....here's yet more.**

Orsome Owen's Order of Orsomeness or o.o.o.o.o......Get your tonsils round that! Ok I know orsome is spelt AU...but hey, joke....get it? Not the spell check....really.

I had **NO IDEA** that Tosh is a closet lesbian! I mean wow and the chick Mary was hot too! (Look at that! Bold and Capitals......)

Not over impressed with her mind reading shit though...that was just...well lets just say I am pissed off, I can't believe Tea Boy was so sympathetic, he's the expert on secrets in this place....

Gwen Cooper....what can I say she certainly performs well and we had a go in the back of my car, not had a bird willing to do that for a while....Sex and cars were made for each other...unless you are Ianto and you drive a Robin Reliant.

Can you imagine trying to shag in one of those? I'd be wearing a bag over my head in shame! Mind you if I were shagging Jack (which I am sure he is) I'd be making him wear a bag over his head!.....I think I have just lowered myself to new fathomless depths of disgustingness.......is that a word? God it must be look at that the computer hasn't red lined it!

Cooper is still taking the piss out of me about that autopsy. Still at least her ribbing raised a small brief smile from the Tea Boy. He's still sore from the Brecon Incident and has been complaining about headaches and sleepless ness. Well what do you expect when you're with 'the Captain'. Seriously the PTSD thing seems to be kicking in but at least he is finally talking and asking for help. I don't like him much but I sure as well don't want him to suffer, he described a couple of his nightmares and I am damn glad they are not something I have to live with.

My new Sony Erikson arrived today...We've all got new phones...Stupid Tea Boy didn't want to change networks but the Archangel thing is so much better. He has stuck with the old Vodofone thing and Jack moaned at him about being a 'stick in the mud'. Ianto just dug his heels in further and went off on one about not needing to replace a perfectly good phone.......being green and all that! Twat! Ianto just hates Harold Saxon because he's a rich smarmy git that he has to deal with on the phone every other day because Captain Jackass can't be arsed. He's the bloody secretary he should get used to it.

Tosh has been sulking all week....I'm still not speaking to her....Guess I will eventually, but I really want her to know how pissed off I actually am.....better not want any techie favours in a hurry though.

Found Tea Boy in the cells talking to Janet this morning....Should I be jealous? Should Jack be jealous? He reckons he talks to her when he gives her food she seems to like it and is less aggressive....so thus he showed me and he was quite right....I wonder if there is some basic language understanding or if it's learned behaviour....Ianto says he uses the same words each time. More research needed I think.

Right then......

Pokemon......

Jack...Ash because he chases after EVERYTHING and annoys Misty.

Gwen....Misty for the same reason as Jack and she gets real cross too.

Ianto...Brock (God that is such a Yankie name!) 'dudes' I'm not getting involved.....he's definitely got a bucket over his head that one.

Tosh.....Cyndaquil.......Shy.....but my God does she flare when you get on her bad side.

Moir....Me that is for all you none French speakers....Meowth: because I rock and I always have an answer whether you like it or not!

RocKy Horror......

Jack.....Dr Frankenfurter....it has to be...sex obsessed!

Ianto....Rif Raf...He cleans up and is kick ass with a gun....the mass shooter.

Tosh....Columbia: Yep falls in love with everything that moves and tries to hurt her.

Gwen....Janet (No not the weevil)...Thick? Dense.....SEXY....

Me.....Dr Scott. Who else is there between them and insanity?


	14. Chapter 14

THE MAGICAL MEDIC'S MYSTERIOUS MUSINGS........

I remember saying 'drop dead' to Suzie once....I wasn't really expecting an encore....I say one thing for her...she's smart. Hopefully this time she'll stay dead....

Gwen is OK, still in shock of course but physically relatively unharmed after her ordeal. Jack got a bit pissy with me for being over protective and I don't think he's going to live down the embarrassment of having to ask DI Swanson for help either.....Tea Boy was quite useful too....wonder where he learnt how to rig mobile phones like that...I notice he was using his old Nokia which is still on Voodoofone.

Gwen got a bollocking from Jack for busting Suzie out too...fair enough I say...she's fucking lucky to be alive.

Next time we find a glove it is going straight into the bin....Ianto (the git) seems to think there will be another one somewhere.

I took Gwen home with me and we shagged each other senseless before I dropped her back at her boyfriends flat....He must be stupid you know, how can he not know? Not That I am complaining....I get all the hot sex and none of the nagging. I think Jack's a bit jealous though....after all he seems to think he's everybodie's wet dream....only if you're a lowly Tea Boy! He's getting way above his station!

Suzie was one fucked up bird. She must have been planning what she did for months maybe even before she got the glove, shows how well we really get to know each other really. Ianto was right; when do we ask about our colleagues lives? I certainly never do and I'm probably the only one with a valid reason for asking.

Ianto came to see me again this morning having been up half the night with another migraine. Jack was fussing like mad (over the Tea Boy!)....They have to be shagging....In fairness he (Tea Boy not Jackie) did look rather ill when I arrived. Have run some scans but he's ok apart from the headaches and the normal stress related complaints that us Torchwoodies suffer from. Basically spent the night shagging the boss and probably got his head bashed against something in the process....How do I know this?...Tosh finally found some suggestive CCTV. Nothing explicit but there was some pretty full on snogging going on. Tosh enjoyed watching every second of it (loser)....Me? I want damages! I shouldn't take the piss, after all I'm treating Gwen to the same....trouble is I reckon Ianto will get hurt where as Gwen is just out for the fun and hey, I'm a fun guy! Jack has a bit of a reputation....Personally I'd leave well alone Ianto's screwed up enough as it is.

Janet passed some of my dexterity tests. I think she really enjoys the interaction, she's definitely less aggressive, though that is probably because we haven't hurt her at all. I was thinking she must be lonely though and I am considering getting a second weevil to see if they can co habit peacefully. It can't be nice for her being alone down there in the cells...They definitely live in family groups in the sewers so it's worth a try I guess. Tea Boy and Jack have rigged some camera's in the sewer network for me as well so hopefully that will help get a more comprehensive picture of their behaviour patterns. Why am I doing this? Well sooner or later they will integrate themselves into our world, their children will be indigenous to earth if we have a good study of them in a semi controlled environment....well it'll make things easier in the future after all they do have the basics of their own language and value system we can't ignore that; and if they can be trained or educated not to attack humans....well it's obvious the advantages of that. I've had a lot of support from Jack on this. He's of the mind that we should always give them a chance and that will come from better understanding. Tea Boy's been helping by collating all of my notes and making a nice database for me that's easy to update...feels like a team effort....we don't do that nearly enough.

Right then Other occupations......

Jack.....Escort...because he'd love it so much.

Ianto....Barista...I insist he will spend the rest of his life devoted to coffee.

Tosh....Manicurist....she really has the loveliest nails...

Gwen...Dentist.....smile please.....

Me.....On the dole.....having won the lottery first mind. Being a DJ would be cool...birds on tap.


	15. Chapter 15

That stupid kid that keeps following us around and looks and behaves remarkably like Ianto got himself run over....So Gwen big bleeding heart Cooper decides to have an investigation.....Then his fucking ghost turns up at his own funeral and saves her life. Freakiest thing ever or what?

We've been testing out the new weevil sprays as well, this new batch still isn't really good enough...All it does is annoy them and Ianto got one hell of a scratch across his face. He's not a happy bunny, but who starts moaning about the scarring?...Jack! Ianto doesn't give a toss so long as it stops bleeding but twat Harkness was hovering about the autopsy bay while I stitched up his tea boy whining about making sure my sewing was perfect. Ianto was extremely embarrassed (Can't blame him). My stitching is always perfect, there'll be barely a mark on him.

Anyway after drama queen finished fussing.... Us blokes decided to go for a pint together...more accurately Jack insisted we went for some male bonding...I have never seen Tea Boy so reluctant or come out with so many excuses...Then I discover why......Harkness is such a slut...He came on to everyone...the barmaid, a bunch of pissed students, a police officer, the taxi driver and then me (for which he got a slap) and then poor Tea Boy. Ianto had the good sense to cry off with a headache and get dropped off home first, so then I made a hasty escape with him with the excuse of needing to check his stitches before going home. I don't think Jack's buying that though because he seems to think I slept with Ianto last night...EWWW! Even I have my limits.

Ianto didn't come into work today so I rang his place and got an earful from his mum about letting him drink with a head injury...Jesus it was only a scratch! She sounds like one scary old bat...Jack tell's me she's only like 42 years old and really hot......so how old is Ianto? Shouldn't we be sending him to primary school or something? God I hope Jack hasn't shagged tea Boy's mother as well!?!

My scanner finally arrived back from UNIT....not in the immaculate condition in which it was loaned out to them in the first place. Tosh is going to take it apart and do a service for me....I hate UNIT...they really are a bunch of tossers. I don't know why we bother with them really.....Jack insists we try to maintain a good working relationship with other agencies.....Bollocks he's the one always hanging up on them and leaving the Tea Boy to call them back to apologise...Mind you Harold Saxon is a pain in the arse...That bloke is always ringing us....I reckon he's got a bit of a thing for Ianto because he never asks to speak to Jack...Ianto says that Saxon refers to him as Freakie Jackie...Not wrong there...Perhaps Jack tried the phone sex with him at some point....That would sure freak me out!

Tea Boy asked me to check over the Leather bird as well as she's 'a bit off colour'. I mean how do you tell? I reminded him of course that I wasn't a Jurassic Vet but gave him some antibiotic powder to add to her food.... hopefully she won't drop down dead on our heads or something... Tea Boy'd kill me if that happened he's rather fond of the ugly beast.

Tosh has been real quiet since the Mary thing. I've kept my distance a bit because I was pretty angry with her...but she does seem very sad. I think tea boy has taken her out a couple of times so hopefully she's talking to him. I don't want to talk to her in case she gets the wrong idea.

Jack's also asked me to do an extensive study on the long term effects of the Retcon drug. In view of what Suzie did and Gwen's immunity....trouble is I may need a willing test subject...I mentioned this to Jack....he's going to sort something/one for me. I am not going to ask too many questions....It has to be done. Ianto volunteered for a couple of the shorter baseline tests which Jack didn't approve....not quite sure how we are going to proceed with this one. We already have the bloke in our cells that Suzie messed with...his brain is completely scrambled and once I've finished my examination of him he'll be placed in Providence Park.... nothing else we can do for him really, poor bastard.

Colours.....

Jack....what is his obsession with airforce blue?

Ianto....pink...gay and he always blushes.

Toshiko.....Green....nice cheery lime green because she's fresh and always looks nice.

Gwen....red...firey and well she's the office slapper, shagging me and lusting after the boss!

Me....Black...because it's cool.


	16. Chapter 16

**Medical Officer's Log: Torchwood 3: Ianto Jones, General Support, in the absence of Dr Owen Harper.**

Filing the death of one Mr John Ellis case number....3bw81953a.

John Ellis died as a result of self inflicted carbon monoxide poisoning. His failure to adjust to being marooned more than 50 years out of his time is indicated as the causal factor in his suicide. Captain Harkness also suffered from prolonged exposure to the gas but is recovering without any residual side effects.

John's body has been placed in morgue draw 72 awaiting post mortem examination.

Dr Owen Harper temporarily off duty due to severe injury resulting from a weevil attack (see case number ww487690c).

Janet has been returned to her cell having suffered no serious ill effects from her recent excursion (see case number ww487690c).

Retcon tablets have been removed from stock without being logged or authorised, examination of the internal CCTV indicates that Officer G. Cooper is responsible and Captain Harkness has been notified. No further action required.

Doctor Harper reports that Diane Holmes (case number 3bw81953a) took her plane, the Sky Gypsy, and attempted to return home, said plane has since disappeared with Diane on board. No further action required.

Gwen Cooper reports that Emma Cowell has moved to London and obtained employment and appears to 'be doing ok'. No further action required.

New weevil spray appears to be working well with no detrimental side effects on the weevils or humans.

Dr Owen Harper due back on duty in two weeks time.


	17. Chapter 17

DOCTOR OWEN HARPER'S DIARY OF DOOM:

Fuck....shit ....bollocks.....Where do I start. Oh yes, fucking Tea Boy shot me! He shot me and I bet the little shit was aiming for my head.

Some great big beast from hell nearly killed off half of Cardiff....Jack dies TWICE. Admittedly I did shoot him one of those times. We have an outbreak of plague....Jackie boy snogs the tea boy then promptly fucks off and leaves us to clean up the mess.

Ok so that was a bit of a shortened version of events....Do I want to go into details? No.....

I am in the words of Kryten...annoyed. 'spin my nipple nuts and send me to Alaska ' kind of sums it up really. I was so mad at Ianto for shooting me and spouting off all that shit about Diane and I could've killed him, I mean really killed him the jumped up little fart....Of course he was right....even though in the end he turned against Jack the same as the rest of us.....Can't blame Jack for doing a road runner really when all of us betrayed him the way we did. Christ's sake I shot the man dead....I mean I shot him dead. Fuck, thank god for his resurrection trick...I can't believe I murdered that man...Shit.

So what are we left with? Apart from seriously guilty consciences. Gwen has taken charge...straight off she started giving orders to look for Jack.....as it was Tea Boy knew/knows where he's gone. Well, not where as such, but who with. It seems Jack warned him that he could be leaving anytime soon...Ianto's devastated, he literally hasn't spoken a word to the rest of us in almost 2 weeks. It's like the post-Lisa thing all over again.

Gwen's fucking livid. I think she feels more betrayed than any of us, probably because she was in love with Jack....It's obvious now we're trapped in the fallout of his departure. Gwen yells a lot and complains about Jack all the time and then she keeps petting Ianto like a sick puppy, which he hates. Tosh just gets on as normal....How does she manage that? I mean what's the point?

I've thought about leaving myself....I mean why not?...I love this job though and we can manage without happy harky...I mean what did he ever do except flirt and shag the junior members of staff.

Gwen and Ianto have divided Jack's duties Ianto taking on the admin and the phone calls. The tourist office is closed up and we are all having to make our own coffee....well pour and serve it anyway.

I guess it affects me the least....I just cut up the bodies and get to do more high speed driving.

I wonder if I should've got on the plane with Diane....Of course she'd have never let me go with her. I can't believe how much I miss her, how much she affected me. They always leave in the end.

One thing if Jack does ever come back, which I doubt, I am going to punch his lights out. Shit.

I don't know what to say....It's just the craziest month ever in my whole life. No one could ever accuse me of having a boring job.

Meidcal note: Ianto collapsed last night, he's had serious migraine issues again....stress I guess, his blood work showed early signs of malnutrition so he obviously hasn't been looking after himself....Pining after Jack I expect.....will need to keep an eye on him. One thing I do know; if he carks it or runs off, Torchwood really would fall apart at the seams. I know I moan about him a lot but he works stupidly long hours and the rest of us never want for anything. Gwen told him to go home to rest and he refused as he's taken to using Jack's quarters so the Hub isn't unmanned...Probably wise. He won't listen to me so I just told him to take it easy and remember to eat. We need him back on his feet for fieldwork though, ASAP.

I've stopped shagging Gwen....since Diane? Well it just aint the same.

Weevil research project is on hold until I have some more time to devote to it. As stated by Ianto in the previous entry (Boy he's a clinical SOB) the new Retcon formula is now a priority and the new weevil spray works a treat...see a genius......that's why I am still here...I knew there had to be a reason!


	18. Chapter 18

Owen's Log....plain and simply perfect as in fact I am and only I can be....Perfect that is...not simple.

Jackie Boy's not back yet.....

Tea Boy went AWOL for a few days. To be honest he gave us a bit of a fright because he's had these headaches and he has been so reticent since our vaunted leader fled the coope....I had no idea where the idiot went off to but he was mightily upset when he got back. He kept mumbling about Jack neglecting his responsibilities and it being a good job he was there to sort out the mess. So when I convinced myself that Ianto wasn't about to die on us I took him out for a few beers and a nice friendly interrogation.

Turns out Jack has been running some secret hospital for Rift victims and Ianto's been trying manage everything on his own in Jack's absence...basically because Jack asked him to keep it secret...Whatever Jack asks that stupid boy does of course....Fucking jessy he really needs to stand up to Jack.......Idiot.... Anyway I got some vague info out of him about this place so he took me out there to show me because he didn't know what to do in Jack's absence....Yep I can see why Ianto was so upset..... It's a fucking horrible place... sad fact of the matter is Jack and Ianto are both right there's bugger all can be done for the poor sods that are there and our opening of the rift has increased the number of 'residents' there. I have to admire Ianto's devotion to Jack for doing this...Anyway I took a look at all the medical records and talked to the staff and then sorted out what they needed with Ianto. Seems he knows the routine with regards to funding etc.... They're short of a doctor and apparently Ianto had to deal with a couple of corpses whilst he was absent from the Hub. All the patients know him, he sits and talks with them and reads the papers to a couple of them...It's an intensely sad place...It rather suits him actually. He persuaded me not to tell the others...Gwen would just complicate issues and there's enough to deal with as it is.

We've been run ragged with the bloody rift acting off sometimes two or three times in a day (or night)..it's not fussy...We're running on caffeine and pizzas and yet somehow we're holding together and working well as a team..

In fairness to Gwen she's pulled everyone round and got us all co-operating with one another and things are running far smoother than they ever did with Jack around. We still miss him....Stupid really because we don't need him, well not all of us.

Ianto, apart from when he goes off to Flat Holm, never leaves the Hub, though he has heeded medical advice and is eating better and at least trying to get some sleep in..... Mostly during the mornings when we are here. He's taken to doing the night watch and it's paid off because the rest of us do get to go home sometimes.

Tosh remains calm and organised as ever. She just gets on with whatever work gets thrown at her. I think she and Gwen are getting on much better they often socialise together. Gwen's bloke Rhys has asked her to tie the knot.... That was a good party in the boardroom. Also a sure sign that she thinks Jack won't be back....not that she stood much of a chance with Harkness for all his flirting it was obvious he only wanted Ianto, even if it was just for sex.

Ianto remains quiet and detached. He only speaks when the need arises and never makes casual conversation... I'll be honest. He worries me, for all his faults, for all our disagreements out of all of us he's the one whose shouldered the bulk of the burden of Jack's desertion and he still cleans the Hub and makes our coffee and sits up half the night servicing the weapons and making sure Tosh's programs are running. I have to respect him....the effort...the lack of complaint...His home life is non existant...I guess that's what Torchwood does to you when it takes everything you have. It makes me realise that he and I are not so different really. Shit....did I just say all that? Need a fucking beer now...time to drag Tea Boy to the pub and go on the pull...The birds love him...means I can pull someone a bit classier.

I shall be glad when Harkness gets back...He is a twat and I will punch him fucking hard.....but it was a lot more fun around here when he was about the place. Gwen is deadly serious all the time. Tosh is tight lipped and even more buried in her technology than she ever used to be. Ianto just looks like a kicked puppy and I haven't got the heart to annoy him any more....I think he might break before long...Jack never deserved the kind of loyalty Ianto has shown him. Shit I am fucked off...

Harold Saxon made PM...Yippee 4percent tax cut here we come!!!!!!The man is a God.....Gwen and Tosh have little Saxon postcards by their work stations....The smarmy git sent a load to us for the tourist office....I think Ianto put most of them in the recycle bin...Ianto doesn't like our new PM......mostly because he's the one who has to talk to him every time he rings...seems he likes talking to Ianto....I bet they're having phone sex!

Beer o clock...I'm outta here!


	19. Chapter 19

This place is just weird without Jack....Somehow we are managing...The weevils are being caught, tagged and dumped back in the sewers...The alien devices we find are being catalogued and studied...the end of the world has been averted by yours truly twice.....Gwen's getting married...Ianto's getting depressed...well what's new.

Gwen gave one order too many and Tea Boy rebelled...big style. Ok so Jack's been gone for 10 weeks now so naturally Gwen as our unofficial leader wants an office...Jack's office. To say that Ianto was annoyed was a gross under statement...He went ballistic.... I've never seen him so riled....They ended up screaming at each other in Welsh so I haven't a clue what the hell was said but Jack's name came up quite a few times....Gwen is fucking sexy when she chucks a wobbly anyway it culminated in Ianto throwing on his coat and handing over his ID and gun and storming out yelling that he quit... Gotta be honest I wasn't expecting that.....He really has fallen apart in Jack's absence. Gwen was just gob smacked so I don't think she was expecting that reaction either. Ianto's always supported her leadership up till now. Anyway Tosh went running after him to try and calm him down and I went and made a cup of tea......yes you heard.....I actually made tea.....my tea is as good as Ianto's coffee! Quite frankly I really didn't know what else to do. I mean I know Ianto can be a bit over sensitive about Jack, but he's got it bad.

I asked Gwen why she thought it was a good idea to take over Jack's office and she reckoned that his shadow over hangs this place and we all need to move on, especially Ianto... In her strange way I suppose she thought it would help. I certainly believe her motives were meant to be good....Ianto won't see it that way of course, he's convinced that Jack is coming back I think the poor kid just needs to get over him.... I thought he was starting to.... guess I got that wrong.

Tosh has been amazing...if any of this is even remotely bothering her it doesn't show...either that or she's one cold cow....can't see that myself, she certainly cares a great deal about Ianto.

Am I missing Jack? Yes I suppose I am. I still hate the bastard...work has been so much harder since he left, which is stupid because he never actually did anything. I don't know.....

Anyway when Tosh got back, without Ianto we assumed the worst and Tosh told us that he'd just walked away from her after telling her he wasn't coming back. She said he was crying...God if you can believe that? Though on second thoughts...maybe this is that breakdown I've been worrying about him having.

Tosh, bless her has it all in hand she managed to stick a tracer on to his coat and apparently he's at his flat...well the coat is anyway....so now I am going to see him. Gwen offered and I warned that it would probably be best if she kept away and LEFT JACK'S OFFICE ALONE. I'm going to try and turn on the Harper charm. Either way I need to be sure that he is ok, his headaches have been extremely bad of late. I actually feel sorry for Gwen....she's been trying so hard to keep everything afloat....I don't think Ianto is mad with her. I suspect it's Jack he's really angry with....I think we'll be standing in a punch up line when he gets back....sorry if.....personally I think we've seen the last of him.

I think tonight will be a good night to hand over to UNIT and have a team Torchwood piss up.....Yes doctors orders...laughter, drunken or not is definitely the best medicine and we could all do with an over dose of it right now.


	20. Chapter 20

I couldn't persuade Ianto to come back initially. I was a bit taken aback....I mean I know he is mad about things and obviously desperately unhappy but when I got to his place he was beside himself and had completely trashed his apartment. He begged me to Retcon him, but I settled for giving him some sedatives instead and putting him to bed....I'm hoping it's just exhaustion. Of course I rang Gwen and told her I'd have to stay there until I knew how he was. Needless to say when he woke he was apologetic and kept saying sorry for putting me about and not to worry about him because he was fine, when he quite obviously isn't. Yep that set all my alarm bells ringing.

Four days later and he's back at work like nothing had happened, even weirder still he clears all of Jack's personal possessions from his office and dumps them down into Jack's bunker. Gwen was more than a little surprised to get the heartfelt apology from him and he's just carrying on on auto pilot. I'm hoping crisis over...he's still alive and doesn't seem likely to shoot himself or anything but he's still not talking...just working...working.

Gwen decided against moving into Jack's office so we've been using it as a storage space of sorts. The atmosphere here is shit. We've all just been buried in our own crap really. Admittedly I am having not too bad a time of it because I have a new piece of tech to play with. I'm pretty sure it is a surgical tool of sorts it's just getting it to work safely...that could take some time, but it is a welcome distraction from weevils and chasing things around Cardiff in the middle of the night. It's been quite nice too working with Tosh, she is so diligent and has great attention to detail and she has kept me focussed because I get so easily distracted.

Tosh and Ianto also updated all of our security protocols which meant changing codes and passwords etc...rather boring because Tosh sorted the firewalls too because once again someone tried hacking into our database....Mainly the secure archive files...Good job Ianto is so OCD he checks all the access history every time he logs on, I'd never be that anal.

To top it off the PM has ordered us to Nepal to investigate a downed space craft. Ordered us! Can you believe it? The wanker why doesn't he send UNIT? We had a meeting about it, all of us are worried, something stinks about the whole thing, but it's been decided we are going....all except Ianto that is. He just flat out refused because he won't leave the Hub unmanned in case Jack comes back. In truth he's not medically fit for the journey anyway. Someone also needs to be here to take care of the livestock, Ianto seems like the best candidate. Even if he were well enough to travel there's no force on Earth that would persuade him to go.

Tosh spent the night with Ianto getting together all the equipment we need, Gwen spent the night on the phone to Rhys trying to calm him down. I just spent night reading up on travelling in Nepal...talk about 3rd world! The only thing we are going to find out there are lamas and sherpas. This is going to be a complete waste of time and effort and UNIT will be shit back up, they always are. I'm a bit nervous, there doesn't appear to be much reliable intel for this mission I don't know what Harold Saxon thinks he is playing at. None of us are experienced back packing travellers either. I'm just dreading getting stranded out there. Thank god we've got a decent satellite phone. Good job I don't have a life outside of Torchwood really, I dread to think what sort of mood Gwen is going to be in when she starts missing Rhys. I'm just hoping we don't get back and find Ianto's rotting corpse hanging from the rafters.

Well I guess that'll be it for a while. Maybe Harkness will be here when we get back...personally if I ever have the misfortune to meet Harold Saxon.....well I won't be responsible for my actions, I've never met the bloke and already I hate him the smug git. Nepal, for fuck's sake what self respecting alien is going to crash there?


	21. Chapter 21

MEDICAL OFFICER'S LOG: TORCHWOOD 3 IANTO JONES: GENERAL SUPPORT (in the absence of Dr Owen Harper).

Dr Owen Harper emailed a report from Nepal as follows.

Ianto,

We've arrived in Nepal safely. Have hired a guide and transport and are heading out to the mountains in the morning. The Satellite phone is fully charged...not sure how well it'll hold up in the colder temperatures but I will endeavour to call you at 0800hrsGMT each day to update you of progress. I won't have any internet access though so this will be the last report. We are all in good health and have been asking round locally for confirmation regarding this 'crashed spaceship', but there is certainly no one here that seems to know anything about it...Thank God Tosh speaks the lingo.

Don't worry we will be fine and back to annoy you with demands of coffee on tap in no time. I take it Jack isn't back?

Remember Ianto to get some rest and leave UNIT to deal with any Rift spillage and the Weevils, don't try to handle things alone...Will speak to you tomorrow.

Owen.

This email has been added to the case file # nep33562p. No further action required.

Have received three missed calls from Captain Jack Harkness on my mobile....I picked up each call as soon as my phone started ringing but it was cut off. I then received a text from Jack. 'watch yourselves'.

The BBC news had an added news story regarding three terrorist fugitives, one of them was Jack so I know he's here on Earth with the Doctor and some random medical student called Martha Jones.

Someone also accessed our primary database using Jack's recognition codes and downloaded a message regarding the Prime Minister. I've read this through and studied the files. Have since tried to contact Doctor Harper by phone and email to warn them as I believe they are in serious danger. I don't know what is going on and do not know what to do.

Probably against my better judgement I have visited Rhys Williams and voiced my concerns. I left a cache of weapons in his flat along with a stash of medical supplies.

Something is coming.


	22. Chapter 22

FINAL DUTY OFFICER'S LOG TORCHWOOD 3: IANTO JONES GENERAL SUPPORT.

All aliens and creatures have been released from the Hub.

Torchwood Officer's: Dr Owen Harper MD, Toshiko Sato and Gwen Cooper are listed as missing and unaccounted for.

The Toclofane have compromised the base and cannot be allowed access to the weapons and bio hazardous materials stowed here.

As acting chief I have initiated protocol three. The Hub will be destroyed by self destruct in two minutes....

Not really the way I wanted to go out....I hope the others are safe.

Torchwood 3 three signing off, I am only sorry that we failed to look after the planet we set out to protect.

No further action required.

Ianto Jo...............................................


	23. Chapter 23

OFF SITE LOG: TORCHWOOD 3 FIELD REPORT DR OWEN HARPER.

We've lost contact with the Hub. I was half way through a conversation with Ianto Jones when the line was cut off. Fuck knows what is going on back in Cardiff. I am extremely worried.

The guide we booked didn't turn up and after having breakfast in the hotel we went back to our rooms to discover all the gear had been nicked and I mean all of it including our clothes, passports and field equipment. The only reason I am able to write this is because I brought my laptop down to the dining room. Thank God Gwen and Tosh both brought their handbags with some currency in them...I had my wallet but quickly discovered that I cannot use my credit cards. Tosh and Gwen the same....Basically we're out on the street, with the clothes on our backs and my laptop will surely run out of battery power soon enough.

I'm going to email this to Ianto in the hopes it gets through. There's stuff all we can do here because we are stranded.....We're going to try the UK embassy in Kathmandu to see if we can get things sorted out but I have a very bad feeling.......Our UNIT back up seems to have vanished into thin air and I get the distinct impression that it was them that took all our gear. So we've been dumped out here for a reason. Fortunately Gwen and Tosh are pretty level headed......Gwen did manage to get through to Rhys, apparently Ianto visited him and left some supplies at their flat but he didn't say what. He said that Ianto was very worried about the situation back home and that Jack had tried to contact him but with no success.....of course then Gwen's phone goes dead. She panicked at that but Tosh managed to calm her down.

I do not know what our next move will be...even if we have a next move and shit the power is about to die......

SEND............


	24. Chapter 24

GWEN CALL ME, VERY WORRIED, FLYING ALIENS EVERYWHERE AND TORCHWOOD IS GONE, I THINK IANTO IS DEAD. DON'T COME BACK TO WALES.

LUV U RHYS XX


	25. Chapter 25

OFF SITE LOG TORCHWOOD 3: DR OWEN HARPER.

Managed to get power for my laptop though in truth I have no idea who to send this to. Gwen got a text from Rhys...too bad she's not alive to read it. I let him know...Fucking horrible to get that message I'm sure. Looks like it's just me and Tosh and we're in hiding. Don't know what those metal things are but they certainly don't give a toss who they kill. They swept through Kathmandu and just murdered everyone in sight. We lost Gwen almost immediately, she was trying to save some kid she didn't even know. We're totally vulnerable, we have no means of defending ourselves and right now we're hiding with a bunch of goats, two children and an old granny. I can only assume this is happening worldwide.

Tosh is handling things pretty well, she was upset to hear of Ianto's death and cried when we had enough time to stop and realise we'd lost Gwen. I just feel helpless and have no idea what to do. It looks like UNIT is somehow tied up with whatever is going on, so no hope there. Mind you we're stuck in the middle of nowhere....Shit right....got to save battery power, don't know when I'll get this recharged....Fuck....I think they've fou.....................................


	26. Chapter 26

MEDICAL OFFICER'S LOG, TORCHWOOD3: In the absence of Dr Owen Harper. Ianto Jones general support and duty officer.

Recieved mission update from Dr Harper via email see attached.

Ianto,

Don't ever book us on economy class again, EVER! I've only been here a day and I hate it already. However we are heading to the mountains with guide, donkeys, packs and Lord knows what else. Thank God for Tosh....she's fucking amazing at haggling...must be an Eastern thing she's got us an English speaking guide too. They think we work for National Geographic so Gwen's been flashing a camera about to look the part.....shame about her photography really as you can see from these.

This will be the last email for a bit but I've got the satellite phone charged..it's nice and cold proof and with our 'modified power pack' it should last the entire trip. I think we are wasting our time out here. You'll be able to track our position via the satellite anyway so you'll know where we are if I am late making contact.....keep an eye on the weather so you can update us each morning, that would be very helpful.

I will endeavour to contact you at 0800hrs GMT each morning as I know you will be in at the time. Don't worry I'll send a postcard as well.

DO NOT try to handle anything back in Cardiff alone. UNIT are there to help, make use of them and chrissakes eat properly, I do not want to find your desiccated corpse when I get back. I mean it Ianto...Jack would have my balls if he came back and you were in one of our draws from malnutrition.

Stay safe Tea Boy...talk to you tomorrow.

Owen.

No further action required.


	27. Chapter 27

DUTY OFFICER'S LOG, TORCHWOOD 3: IANTO JONES GENERAL SUPPORT.

Dr Owen Harper called via satellite at 0807hrs. He reports that the team are all well and have had no luck with their search for whatever it is they have been sent out there for in the first place. The weather reports for the region have been very grim (Not the best time of year for mountain climbing in the Northern Hemisphere.). At least they are ok. Have been able to reassure Rhys that Gwen is fine as he has been ringing me every day since they left.

Had to respond to a weevil sighting late last night, but it was gone before I got there, did manage to track it back to the sewers, fortunately it was one of Owen's tagged ones. Did not notify UNIT as the situation was contained. I made the decision to accommodate the UNIT team we have at our disposal at a nearby B&B as I do not want them in the complex. They did not seem terribly impressed with this arrangement so I agreed to allow one of them access, one Captain Del Henderson. He seems ok. I don't trust him, of course but he has been helpful and runs his team very tightly. They have dealt with three situations here, without me having to go out with them and with no mishaps or the need to Retcon any civilians.....Jack could learn a thing or two from these guys. I am considering some operational recommendations to suggest to the team when they return from Nepal, not sure how Gwen will take that, but well it's in the interests of Torchwood, that's all that matters.

Recieved a rather curious text message from Jack, right after he appears on the news on some wanted bulletin.....God knows what he's been up to. The Doctor was with him.....If Yvonne Hartman were alive now, she'd be having kittens. I know that if Jack ever bothers to return to us I won't be able to trust him again, as our leader or as my friend, lover....whatever it is... was... we.... were, if we were anything at all. Gwen has done well I grudgingly admit we are a better team for her leadership, well the other's are, I didn't do much to help her really.

I shall just be glad to have the other's back. I want to go to my flat and have a bath instead of being stuck here with the crappy showers we have....Time for a refurb I think...we deserve better working conditions given the amount of time we spend here.....New showers and a proper medical bay for Owen and a nice dining/ board room. Yep sounds good. Think I'll sort out the budget.....

**Secure note....access required.**

_Admitted two more patients to Flat Holm, both of them severely traumatised. Helen also most concerned about the lack of recent communication. Had to assure her that everything was still being looked after and as soon as the others get back I would resume visiting patients. I've been missed apparently, especially by Josie and Jonah. It nags my conscience. I will try to do better. Days like this I could truly hate Jack for leaving us with this to deal with and I wish I could do more._

_One of the new victims is only 12, her life.....God I cannot imagine what kind of future she faces even with our support._ **ENDS**

I can truthfully say that I am missing the others. Never thought I would ever admit to THAT.

My head aches have been very bad of late. Have been taking the medication Owen left with as per instructions, it's helping a bit and allowing me to function. I suppose that is all I can hope for really.

All our resident 'other life forms' are in good shape.

Ianto Jones......general support.


	28. Chapter 28

**THE DOCTOR IS BACK IN THE HOUSE!!!!!! WHOOPIE FUCKING DOO!** In bold and underlined too....so swivel on it Windows Vista!!!!!!!

Waste of bloody time that was.... There was bugger all going on and if I ever see Harold Saxon again he will die very slowly and painfully..... Then I find out this morning that his Mrs shot him.....I wonder why...... Good riddance the guy was a tosser. Ok I know I voted for him, but he was still a tosser! It's funny how EVERYTHING happens whilst we are away. Ianto didn't tell us any of the drama.......Welsh git! How many times am I going to say that over the next few weeks??????!!!!!! Welsh git, Welsh git, Welsh git!!!!!!

Well first class is considerably better than economy, thank you Mr Jones...... What did I say? Lamas and Sherpas in no particular order and way too much snow. Remind me never ever to sit next to Gwen on an aeroplane ever again..... sick bags on standby! If I hear the word wedding one more time!!!!!!!

Unit (sorry UNIT) picked us up from Heathrow and as per Ianto's instructions we were dropped at our respective flats for a weeks worth of getting over the fucking jet lag and really bad food. So I spent a full hour and a half under a wonderful scalding shower then slept for nearly ten hours and woke to the sound of my phone ringing and not the sound of music which was really rather disappointing as you can imagine.

I was a bit surprised really, when I got to the Hub..... The place was immaculate as always. Captain Henderson was flapping about though, it was he that called me in because Ianto had collapsed and fallen down the stairs into the autopsy bay. Apparently his headaches have been getting worse and thankfully being the extra efficient bugger that he is he kept a detailed log of his symptoms..... Sounds like he's had a rough three weeks. He certainly looks ill, even paler than normal if that is remotely possible. Have spent the day running tests and nothing abnormal is showing up except elevated blood pressure and heart rate. He was practically sobbing from the pain though so right now I've got him on a morphine pump and he's sleeping on the couch behind Tosh's desk. Of course, every phone call I had with him whilst we were away he didn't mention any of this, idiot boy.

Quite frankly I am completely baffled by his condition because he is healthy in every other respect....actually did as he was told and ate properly and looked after himself in our absence.

Captain Henderson will with be us for four more days anyway.... gives us a chance to catch up with things a bit. I am just very happy to be back in more civilised parts of the world.

Oh yes, the bloody archangel network has gone down so Ianto's the only one with a workable mobile phone.... How the Hell did he know that that was a no brainer? I wonder sometimes if he's not psychic or something. Maybe some random copy of 'Encyclopaedia (spelt that right WITHOUT the spell check!) Galactica' fell through the Rift and he's got it stashed in the archives.... probably knows all the winning lottery numbers for the next millennia or something...... Welsh git!

Going off track here. I saw in a previous log about some notes for a budget for a new med bay and staff facilities..... He's quite right in the interests of the welfare of the team and as chief medical (ooops the only medical)....officer I have to state that it is an absolute essential. I'm sure Gwen wouldn't argue with an informed opinion. Bet she's having a shag fest with Rhys right now!

I wonder if Tea Boy was doing Captain Henderson, the man does seem rather concerned about Ianto's state of health...... Maybe he's just being nice? Nah, he's UNIT.

Still no word from Harkness, Ianto did mention receiving some random message from him, but didn't elaborate. He's not talking about Jack and he's finally got to that point where he is angry instead of miserable..... like weeks and weeks behind the rest of us. I still don't think he's coming back not sure if I'd be bothered now whether he did or not.

Janet and the leather bird are ok and Ianto has maintained my weevil tracking log for me, which was completely daft of him to worry about it, but I'm not going to thank him either..... that would just be...... wrong in every way!

Two patients were apparently admitted to the 'hospital' so I will have to check with Helen on their status. I know Ianto will want to go out there as soon as possible to visit the inmates. I don't why he does it, they are beyond help and he always gets upset (or so he tells me), but then I think what he did for Lisa who was also beyond help. That boy enjoys self punishment too much for his own good.

Right then, paper work it is as I am sure he'll want a full report for the archive and Gwen will bitch like hell if I don't write one.

Haven't done this for a while.....

Items of furniture.....

Tosh.....China Cabinet....elegant and when you open the door there's loads of neat stuff inside.

Gwen....couch....she really is quite soft and squashy, especially around the boob area.

Ianto..... Wardrobe, only because he's just got out of Narnia.

Me.....Drinks cabinet....full obviously.


	29. Chapter 29

**THIS IS FOR GREYWOLF 15.........**

Well the new look boardroom is pretty hot, if I do say so myself!

The budget wouldn't stretch to a new medical bay but we did spruce up the Autopsy bay and buy a state of the art coffee machine and microwave oven!

We've all had thorough medicals after our little excursion abroad; ironically Ianto is the only one suffering any ill effects. He does appear to be improving and his vitals have gone back to normal over the last week and he says he is in a lot less pain. I am still at a loss for an explanation. Of course that has been a great source of amusement as far as he is concerned, nothing quite like getting one up on Owen Harper, even if it does involve pain. He is seriously weird that one.

It has been a very busy week what with weevils and reported sightings of a walking fish in the city centre's less classy areas at night, probably nothing, but Ianto did a search through our database and found a candidate that matches the description. Looks like a blowfish on legs to me, we haven't found the bugger yet and as it hasn't killed anyone or tried to eat any neighbourhood cats I don't think it is much of a priority somehow.

We spent last night chasing these things that look like ferrets, let me get this right. Ianto and I spent last night chasing these ferrets and I got the fright of my life when we discovered that they could actually speak... not English of course.... no that would be too fucking easy.... even Welsh would've been acceptable..... but no they speak ferret which to me sounded a bit like Japanese and Tea Boy warned me in no uncertain terms not to tell that to Tosh, if I wanted to hold on to my crown jewels that is. What is wrong with a ferret that speaks Japanese? Anyway we now have more animals to look after until such time as we can organise a compound for them with UNIT.... They have like an alien asylum centre for stranded 'harmless' visitors. Gwen was rather fond of the blighters so I told her she could have them..... Anyway they were amazingly co-operative and let me do full medical/ bio work ups...God knows how they understood. It was quiet interesting actually cataloguing a new species we haven't seen before and they had their technology and clothes and everything.... just small and ferrety. I am so amazed by some of the things we see. Ianto was more concerned about organising a litter tray! Typical OCD Welsh git!

The new PM seems a bit dopey but hopefully this time his lady wife won't go off her trolley and shoot him. UNIT have come down from their high alert.... though what all that was about anyway, we all know the whole Saxon Toclafane thing was a hoax, though the Americans are still spitting tacks about their president buying it on the Valiant. I expect they'll get some new Muppet in pretty quick, just pull someone in from Hollywood....Leonardo Di Caprio or Tom Cruise. Jim Carrey would be my choice, the man is a genius!

Of course our UNIT lackeys have gone now and Captain Henderson gave Tea Boy a very impassioned snog at the tourist office door just before he left. Ianto was more than a little gob smacked, never seen the bloke go so red so I bet he WAS doing the Captain whilst we were away.... Sly dog. Still you can't blame him while Jackie's away........

Gwen's been insisting we go out on a team Torchwood piss up again. I think it is a great idea and in fact I am going to insist we do it every week from now on. We're doing pretty good. I think we are finding ourselves and handling the work and life and Torchwood without Jack, just fine thank you very much. We all seem much more comfortable with one another; even Ianto and Tosh are loosening up a bit......

Pirates of the Caribbean.....

Jack tosser Harkness.......Jack Sparrow.....wily bugger who gets all the fluff and still looks good after a fight.

Gwen.......Elizabeth, bossy cow....but seriously hot with it!

Ianto....Will Turner, the betrayer for his own ends....anyone?

Tosh.....Tia Dalma, you never know what she's got up her sleeves that one!

Me......Jack the Monkey, because I always save the day......again!


	30. Chapter 30

Well as the saying goes.......Fuck me....Jack's back!

I just do not believe it. Not only does he have the cheek to actually turn up and expect us to tow the line, he has namby pamby ex lover boy hot on his heels who fucking well shoots me, punches poor Tosh and tries to poison Gwen. Tea Boy got off with an insult! Welsh Git!

So after our little adventure with Captain smug pants, we have to play hide n seek for 24 hours so Ianto booked us into the most expensive Hotel in Cardiff on the Torchwood Credit Card and left us to it....so we could get reaquainted with our wayward leader. Gwen Cooper is such a turn coat....she was simpering all over him, made me want to puke. Tosh hardly said a word. I think she was more worried about Ianto because he went home to avoid himself....well where else, he's never there after all. I tried to get him to stay but to be honest the look he gave me when he left was verging on heart breaking, he practically ran back to the SUV and I caught sight of Jack watching him leave with a similar look on his face. Those two have serious issues to work out.

Anyway we sat in Jack's room with loads of food and booze and spent half the night catching up. He then kicks the girls out and asks me about Ianto...Gwen was not happy about being dismissed....serious issues there too...it's going to be an interesting few weeks. Ianto....well I was wondering what I should say really. I mean the tea boy had a rough time of it when Jackie left and I wasn't sure what I should say as it's none of my business really. Jack however has really pissed me off no end so I let rip, told him he was a cruel and selfish bastard and that if he ever hurt any of us like that again he'd be wishing he really could die. I think I was shouting by the end of it because then I went on a tirade about how badly Ianto had been affected by his deserting us. I mean the Tea Boy is a pain in the arse, we don't even like each other that much but he's still a mate and no one deserves the shit he's been through, especially from a wanker like Jack....... I am so going to lose my job.

Then I started to ask him about what really happened whilst he was away and he gave me a look that made me feel sick to my stomach. It couldn't have been good and he told me he couldn't talk about it with me until he'd spoken to Ianto. Twat! I hope Ianto tells him to take a flying leap and then I yelled some more about secrets and trust and the how did he expect us to follow him when he didn't trust us. Of course I'm not including Gwen in this, she was practically on her back with..... well do I want that image on record? Cow. Of course the whole team dynamic is going to change....already has changed. It's Ianto I feel sorry for....Jack will have him relegated to being the office shag in next to no time I bet. I am going to have to have words with that boy.

So this last couple of days have been awkward, to say the least. Ianto is back to being a polite shadow, serving his coffee, yes sir, no sir..... Gwen is back to batting to her eyelashes and wearing low cut tops....Tosh bless her just doesn't change.

Jack just sorted his office out and made it his again and has tried at least a dozen times to get Ianto to talk to him and Ianto is doing his silent stubborn routine....good for him..... make the bastard sweat.

I put Jack through a medical...spouting protocol because of his prolonged absence. I was more than a little surprised to discover a load of old unhealed cuts and bruises and his x-rays showed up no end of old injuries still in the process of healing. Jack of course refused to explain and there was a whole world of pain in his eyes when I asked him. He's not the same man. I'm beginning to think something REALLY bad went down whilst he was away.

He and Gwen spent the afternoon in the boardroom, presumably going over what's been happening over the last few months but Tosh was saying it was clear that Jack wasn't listening to her as he kept looking out of the windows in Ianto's direction.

Did another follow up check on Ianto today as well; he says the headaches are going away now and that he is feeling much better, physically that is. I wouldn't like to guess at his mental health.....he also won't talk, but it is clear he is very angry with Jack and doesn't really know how to handle things. He told me today that he wants to leave Torchwood. I don't think it's true....I don't think he knows what he wants, either way I've made sure he hasn't got access to the Retcon stock just in case he tries to do something stupid.

Read a thing in 'The Lancet' too....quite interesting about the number of reported severe headaches country wide since the archangel network went on line....this bloke from Glasgow University seems to think it was affecting people and significantly people are recovering now the Archangel is down...I wonder. That's one powerful weapon, if that was the case...I wonder if Saxon actually knew that was what it was doing? Anyway I've made a note in Ianto's medical records...might be worth further study.

Tosh and I are going for a drink tonight..... not a date..... a drink a catch up I want to make sure she's ok with Jack being back.

Not much else going down really. I am worried about Ianto. I just hope Jack has the decency to give him a bit of space whilst he sorts his feelings out..... I think Ianto is going to pop at some point...... that could be interesting!


	31. Chapter 31

**THE SEXY SURGEONS SAUNTERINGS THROUGH SOCIAL SITUATIONS...........** Hey that is really quite cool! Genius Harper!

Ianto popped! Big style, I mean he really lost it....bit like the day that Gwen wanted to move into Jack's office a couple of months back...Only this time, well Ianto trashed the kitchen, ran down to the cells and shut himself in with Janet. It took Jack and me nearly 8 minutes to get him out and quite frankly it's miracle he wasn't seriously injured. I managed to shoot Janet with a tranquiliser through one of the holes in the security glass. It was a close call though and Ianto backed himself into the corner of the cell and screamed at us. Ok nervous breakdown number two. Jack managed to subdue him enough to get him out of the cell and he's now sedated in the autopsy bay with 32 stitches down his neck and over his left shoulder. It was just very sad, the whole thing. Jack was almost in tears....didn't think him capable.... and he has been sitting with Ianto ever since petting his hair like a dog.....

I know Ianto has taken everything so badly, but he really needs to move on. He and Jack had an argument the previous night though... I found it on the CCTV footage. Ianto was talking about things that didn't seem to make sense. Something about seeing himself die. I guess he's been having night mares again, but Jack seemed to understand what he was talking about. I really wish I knew what the fuck was going on. Of course Jack won't tell me. I'm seriously hoping that he and Ianto aren't back to shagging one another again.

Tosh told me that Ianto had told her that he'd had night mares about the end of the world and something about being trapped in a room with an old man in a wheel chair..... Now she tells me! I think that boy is far more messed up than I realised. I am going to have to discuss medication options with him, some anti depressants or something.... I know Ianto will hate me for it but.....

Gwen has been a bit of a pain. She certainly hasn't been happy about giving up command and has questioned absolutely everything Jack has asked us to do. Crazy really, because she was virtually throwing her knickers at him last week. I think she's finally cottoning on to the fact that Jack is not likely to invite her into bed especially after she found out that Jack had asked Ianto on a date. I do not understand that woman....she goes on about holding on to her life with Rhys and she's constantly eye fucking Jack.... He doesn't help matters by flirting but this is Jack he really does flirt with everything! Gwen should realise she's not a special exception.... dispite my reservations it is pretty obvious that Jack really wants to make things right with Ianto and he seems to be trying to do that. I just think Ianto is going to get used and hurt all over again.

Ianto actually asked me what he should do about that. I can't believe that he came to me for advice, so naturally I told him to tell Jack to shove it and that he deserved to be treated better....God this is starting to sound like an episode of EastEnders......

Have recommenced my Weevil research and am preparing to trial the new Version of Retcon....just need a test subject..... Jack's organised someone from UNIT. Gwen gave me a moral lecture on the use of said drug so I promptly told her not to be hypocritical because I know she drugged Rhys with the stuff when.... well when Diane was here. Shit that's the first time I have thought of her for a while. Strange really, I mean I miss her even now and when I think about her I just smile instead of getting angry about losing her. I know she never would have stayed. Shit!

I am so glad Tosh is just like a nice, constant, even and calm person. We could all learn a thing or two from her.

Anyway I've recommended a two week holiday for Ianto..... preferably somewhere hot and sunny and with family. I think he's got a sister, I might get her number and give her a ring.... make sure there is someone around to keep an eye.

Jack's still in the autopsy bay.... bugger. Think I might run out to Starbucks. Need coffee and a valium.... lots of valium.....!


	32. Chapter 32

Autopsy completed on Beth's body and report is attached.

Captain Jack Harkness suffered one puncture wound to right of chest, and died from internal bleeding and a collapsed lung on journey back to Hub in the SUV. It took him 7 minutes to revive.

The mind probe was used on Beth for the purposes of interrogation, this outcome was successful though traumatic for the subject. Not overly fussed on this piece of equipment, but it is effective.

Finally since Jack's return things seem to be settling a little. Mainly, Ianto's taking the pills I gave him, he isn't back in Jack's bed yet and Gwen has toned down the lusting after the unavailable boss and we are all working together as a TEAM. This is a miracle of Biblical proportions. It has taken us weeks to get this far.

I am going to keep a log on Jack's non dying thing...well his revival times etc, just in case we do need to know more about him for medical reasons that is. He still refuses to discuss what happened whilst he was away and has cottoned on to the fact that I have been watching the CCTV archive of his conversations with Ianto.... so now he's not talking to Ianto in the Hub. I am still not clear about what happened, but I am annoyed that he cannot find it in himself to trust us to tell us. I know he has told Ianto and Ianto too is being tight lipped about it. Ianto, no matter how much Jack has hurt him will not betray Jack's trust. Jack does not deserve him and quite frankly I am pissed off that we are being kept out of the loop.

Ianto has been taking the meds I prescribed.... It does seem to be helping, he is much calmer and even his evil humour is shining through a bit. He did tell me that he and Jack had been out together a couple of times but didn't go into detail. That boy has got it really bad. I removed all the stitches from the weevil wound and all that seems to be healing well. He's very embarrassed about what happened and so he should be stupid boy.

Retcon tests are proceeding with no problems. I am hoping that the weaknesses in the old formula have been overcome. Of course it is not an exact, fool proof science..... sometimes it simply does not work. The testing will probably take another few weeks though.

Weevil behaviour is still being logged. Jack and Tosh had to go into the sewers and repair one of the cameras for me. I am starting to get a much clearer idea about the way they behave, relate to each other. They really are very social creatures (with one another).

Gwen got pissed off because Rhys has had to go away for a few days on a training course for his new job so I yelled at her to quit moaning and think about how he feels when she is late home every night. That soon shut her up. I really feel sorry for that bloke, I wonder if he really knows what he's getting into marrying her. She tried to get Tosh involved in helping her look at Hotels for the wedding, trying to be friendly I guess, but Tosh just smiled very politely and told her she was no good at that sort of thing. Good old Tosh, she is so polite and patient but she gave me a very Ianto like eye roll when Gwen didn't see. It's not that we don't like Gwen, because we do.... She really is the life and soul of this place, makes us laugh and reminds us that we are human. I just get pissed off at her about the Rhys / Jack thing she has going. I often wonder how Ianto feels about it, he never says but I can see in his face sometimes that she is really pissing him off too.... Maybe Jack is screwing her because he certainly isn't getting any from Ianto. I am not sure though. I get the impression, still, that he is trying for Ianto's sake to do things better. I know Tosh had a go at him just after he got back about the way he treated Ianto...... so maybe he feels a bit under the spotlight.

Had a call from UNIT, apparently all of the ferret creatures died from some viral infection.... I was assured that they weren't being experimented on, but with UNIT you never can tell. Ianto was upset, he liked them.... sad fucker.

Some twat broke into my flat and stole my plasma screen and sound system too. Thank god I don't keep anything 'alien' there is all I can say and shit because I forgot to renew my contents insurance last month! I'd only just bought my PS3 as well.

My mother also rang. She's broke again so I sent her £100 through the post. I don't know why I bother....

Guess that's it for now anyway it's coffee o clock!


	33. Chapter 33

You gotta really feel for Tosh. I just knew her heart would get broken again. She always sets herself up for heartache, everytime. Tommy did us proud, I know Tosh realises that, I hope she can take comfort in it. This thing has affected us all in one way or another. Jack was very quiet and even Gwen managed to keep her gob shut for than a few minutes which was a relief.

Ianto seems to be improving. I think he and Jack are making some progress in their relationship, both of them seem to be much more at ease around one another.

We've had loads of rain again recently, consequently the weevils have been out and about much more than normal. Jack and Ianto have been dealing with them almost nightly, to be honest I thought it was Jack code for 'lets shag in the SUV'. But they really have been out chasing the weevils. They've been coming back with scratches and bruises because the buggers seem to be much more aggressive with the bad weather. Jack bled out two nights ago in Ianto's arms. He recovered ok and Ianto (as requested by me) recorded a revival time of 12 minutes. Ianto was in worse shape than Jack when they got back that night, I know watching Jack die really distresses him. Mind you according to the CCTV they made up for it after wards in Jack's office..... I really wish they wouldn't do it in the Hub!

Have been going through the secure archive, ie my bit of it with all the bio hazardous stuff etc. Have spent the day in a Hazmat suit.... no fun at all so I made Ianto help me....He IS the archivist after all. Truth is we got on ok and he's finally talking about things other than work, maybe he's starting to find an interest in living again. I hope so, gives me less to worry about.

The Rift spat out a load of stuff last night which all of us had to go out and fetch. Ianto ended up bringing out our little used transit van. Jack reckons they were bits of a wrecked spacecraft of some kind. It took four trips in the end to get it back here (Once we determined it was safe to handle). Tosh is examining it now. There's no evidence of anything organic though, shame really that could have been interesting.

Am having some success with my little green house too. It was Tosh's idea to set it up as we do get some exotic plants coming through now and then. I spend I lot of down time in there with the plants just trying to get cuttings and shoots to grow. I am learning a lot of it as I go, best way really. Jack doesn't seem too interested but I think he recognises the value of it. Ianto has added the plant watering duties into his little schedule as well, which is nice makes me feel like I am appreciated. Of course I haven't told him that.

Gwen's still going on about her wedding to anyone who'll listen. I shall be glad when she's done the deed. I suppose it is good in a way. Jack insists she holds on to that part of her life that none of the rest of us have. I sometimes think she only does it because he tells her to. Ok I am probably being very cynical here....perhaps a Tad jealous? Nah.... I don't think I could ever go back to that life. Sometimes I wonder how she manages to hang on to it, that Rhys bloke must be a bloody saint.

Anyway, have done requisition orders.....God I hate paperwork. Everyone is in good health.

Retcon research continuing with some interesting results on the side affects front..... God I am amazed no one bothered to research this drug more carefully years ago. It really isn't good to use it repeatedly. I know Suzie proved that point last year...but really the lamentable lack of previous research is bordering on scandalous considering how much we use the stuff.

Oh, yes..... Ianto was bitten by Myfanwy, the leather bird..... if I'd have been given a name like that, I'd be biting him too!

Flowers......

Jack.....dandylion....common as muck!

Tosh... a rose...obviously.

Gwen... daffodil...she's Welsh!

Ianto..... Blossom, because he's so gay!

Me... Sunflower, everyone loves a big a cheery sunflower and I'm such a happy bastard!


	34. Chapter 34

I don't know why we didn't just shoot those wankers....Fucking bastards, I have never seen anything so cruel in all my life. Ianto had to scream at me and Jack because we were all set to execute those blokes. It's probably a good job Ianto was there really otherwise.... Well I guess it would have made us no better than them. We don't even have a species name for the 'whale'. Ianto dubbed it Alfred for the sake of the records. It's as good a name as any, he reckoned after 'Alfred The Great'. Ianto was brilliant that day, kept his head and kept us from doing something monumentally stupid..... Jack was monumentally stupid though..... no surprises there and fucking Gwen Cooper should've been Retconned with Rhys and kicked out for her little display...stupid tart! What the fucking hell was that all about!?

Jack can be such a twat sometimes.... I had to check to make sure Ianto hadn't been injured by the idiot Dale, fuck sakes he nearly died and all Jack could do was yell about loving Gwen across the Hub for all to hear..... Ianto was really ok about it. He's more angry that she is getting away with breaking protocol again. He and Jack had a very loud argument about it....Anyone not in the know would accuse him of jealousy but it was blatantly obvious that he was more interested in protecting Torchwood. You have to admire his dedication really especially after knowing how much Torchwood has actually taken from him. He certainly put Jack in his place. Got to admire the 'new Ianto' really, he's learnt to put his own feelings on hold, especially out in the field. I was thinking what a cold bastard Jack was because he made Ianto go after that gun man, but Ianto told me he didn't want protection or favours because he and Jack are involved. I think he was grateful for the fact that Jack doesn't try to shield him. I don't think he'll be speaking to Gwen in a hurry though.

What pissed me off was the fact she was snogging Rhys on the couch and eye fucking Jack whilst she was doing it.....

Anyway, we've logged 'Alfred' as a new species and added him/her to our database. Ianto, Tosh and I held a wake for him in the boardroom and got very pissed. Tosh is great when she is drunk, she giggles a LOT. Jack ended up driving us back to our respective flats..... so naturally getting up for a weevil alert a few hours later was really no fun at all. Ianto and Jack handled the call but I had to come in because the weevil was injured when it fell into someone's green house. Yes now I am a weevil vet too..... I don't mind really. They can't help being weevils after all. Jack helped me deal with it.... He was very quiet throughout, obviously his mind was elsewhere and half way through, out of the blue he asked me about Ianto. Wanted to know if I thought Ianto was going to be ok. I told him that Ianto was fine..... After much humming and ahhing Jack decides he's worried because Ianto seems a bit rebellious and out spoken. So I told him that Ianto was just finally being himself and that Jack should appreciate him for it. Jack just smiled at me and promptly told me that he didn't just appreciate it, he loved it.... just wanted to make sure he was ok. That man is weird.... Why can't he just ask Ianto himself? What is it with gay blokes?

The new PM has been on the phone a lot lately too..... We all hate her..... especially Jack, but he hates all politicians. Ianto's taken to hiding in the kitchen every time she rings.... coffee, such a wonderful excuse, bastard! Even I had to deal with her the other day.

Tosh helped me build an incubator with a special gas air supply for my green house. We had some seeds that Ianto found in the archive so I am going to try and grow them.... they need a higher nitrogen atmosphere..... hence the tank. I think Tosh is better after the whole Tommy thing, at last. She does seem a bit happier these days. Then I found out why..... Did I really want to know? Turns out she found some Jack/ Ianto porn on the CCTV footage. I will never eat off that boardroom table again!

Vegetables......

Jack......Carrot.... Good sex toy when Ianto's not about!!!! Did I really just say that?!

Tosh..... An onion...complex with many layers and great to add to any savoury dish!

Gwen.... Cabbage...because she really pissed me off the other day.

Ianto..... Garlic.... like coffee the perfect amount makes for a fine meal.... not that I'd want to eat him..... metaphors ok.... really!

Me...... Turnip..... I have a cunning plan! Figure that one out, hah!


	35. Chapter 35

**AN: The erased log.......**

Medical officer's log, Torchwood 3: Dr Owen Harper.

We have had a very strange incident occur with Gwen Cooper. There appears to be blanks in her memory, mainly not being able to remember her partner Rhys. Adam brought her back from her flat this evening with instructions from Jack to give her a thorough medical examination.

This is now complete. So far as I can tell she has suffered no obvious physical trauma, there are not toxins, bugs, viruses or drugs in her system and it's just the damndest thing I have come across in a while. I can find no explanation whatsoever for her current condition. This will need further investigation. I got Tosh to do a check on all of the electrical systems to make sure there were no transmissions, weirdy signals or unexplained radiation sources....still nothing. (Report is attached).

Have received medication requisition from Ianto and he's also convinced Jack to part with some money for a new state of the art...enhanced ultrasound therapy unit.

Tosh and I now back to examining the puzzle box.

Everyone else appears to be in good health.


	36. Chapter 36

Ok, that was odd! We all woke yesterday morning to discover that 48 hours have been taken from our lives....

All the logs, and I mean all of them have been erased. The only evidence left for me was a note on the autopsy table in my handwriting.

'Check Ianto!!!!!!'

Which I duly did...which lead me to run tests on all of us; we've all been dosed with Retcon. None of us have a fucking clue what happened. A more detailed examination of Ianto revealed evidence of concussion and he was certainly complaining of an almighty head ache. However there is no evidence of injury, no bruises, fractures or cuts. He is visibly distressed though and he is upset that he doesn't know why he feels so anxious and it is extreme, I can truthfully say I have never seen him so edgy.

Jack's been a bit blasé about it. Personally it scares the shit out of me that someone or something could come in here and compromise our security so effectively. We really have no idea what we have been doing and Tosh even with her technical genius was unable to retrieve the logs, which indicates to me that it was she that erased them. Even Ianto's diary had had pages torn out (He was very annoyed about that).

Apparently I sent Tosh a bunch of flowers with a note. I tried to brush it off to be honest, because the hopeful look on Tosh's face was just too much. I mean she's great an' all but I don't want her thinking...... Why on Earth would I send her flowers? Did I do something really hurtful to upset her? This is just too spooky and unsettling for words.

I did see Ianto being held by Jack in his office ...... looked like they were having a heart-heart but Jack came to see me a few minutes ago and explained that Ianto remembers killing three women over that missing time. Ok, so that's why he was so edgy. Ianto a murderer? No way. Aside from the fact that he hasn't got it in him. I just can't see it myself...... Still, it's always the quiet ones. Jack and Gwen are currently talking with the police to see if anything transpired that could be relevant to Ianto's claims. I hope to hell they don't find anything. I went to talk to Ianto and discovered that he'd locked himself in the cell next to Janet. He assured that he was ok and that he didn't want to come out until they were certain he hadn't done anything wrong. I felt a bit helpless really.

One thing though...The new formula Retcon obviously worked because even Gwen wasn't immune..... God maybe I did a controlled test? No, there would have been notes and I wouldn't have tested all of us. Of course Ianto's symptons could be a side effect of the Retcon. Maybe Jack is just playing a really bad joke on us.


	37. Chapter 37

Medical mismanagement monologues.....

Jack's got this bird in from UNIT to help us investigate these deaths and a new drug called Reset being researched by the Pharm.

Martha Jones is one hot chick, even Ianto was checking out her arse!....Anyway she's pretty cool, though I was surprised that Jack brought in an outsider, then it turns out that they know each other and Ianto didn't seem in the least surprised or jealous come to that so obviously he knows something about their relationship that the rest of us don't. Not that I mind, she's a good sort and it makes a refreshing change to have a fellow medic around the place. Tosh seemed a bit put out, though as I explained to her any attempt to chat Martha up on my part and Jack would have my bollocks with a blunt knife.

Ianto is still a bit disorientated after our missing time thing. It took some convincing that he hadn't actually done anything wrong, but he is coming round. He's had so many knocks since he joined Torchwood, I don't know how that man is still sane and able to brew the finest damn coffee on the planet.

We're going to be using Tosh's special contacts. Now we know that they are perfectly safe for the eyes......good old Tea Boy guinea pigging for me. I think Martha will be impressed. Our first recon out to the Pharm was rather disconcerting that Copely bloke is such a Tosser, shame really because he really is a genius too. I just hate unethical medical practise, it gives us good guys a bad reputation.

Gwen seems to have finally toned down her I'm going to flirt with the boss routine, not before time. I'm kind of glad Jack and Ianto seem to be making things work between them. I'm not sure how it works because they are certainly discreet in front of the rest of us when we're on duty. There's been a couple of times when Jack dropped the pretence, but Ianto keeps a very tight lid on things in front of the rest of us. They are good for each other, not in a romantic way, just there seems to be balance between them, which I think helps both of them cope with their insane lives.

Tosh asked me out recently. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be a date or what. I think I got the wrong end of the stick. I mean she's great....but I know I'd be the bloke who'd break her heart and I don't want to be. Aside from the fact that we work together and that makes for all kinds of awkward.

Jack and Ianto don't seem to have had any more disagreements and if they have we certainly haven't got to hear about it. I did manage to persuade Jack to spent more of his recreation time at Ianto's flat mainly to get him out of the Hub so he can have some semblance of a life outside..... plus the whole CCTV thing.... I really DO NOT want to see footage of them shagging..... Tosh has quite a folder of Janto Porn (her name for it). What I don't get is why women get off watching 2 blokes shagging. I asked Ianto this and he asked if I watched Lesbian Porn.... Of course I do! His response was, 'well then'. Did that make sense? No! Two women, now that is HOT...... not two men.... I mean eewwwww! Of course I was just about to swallow a mouthful of coffee when Ianto suggested I join him and Jack one night to try it out...... took me half an hour to clean my keyboard!

Weevil research on hold for a couple of weeks. I need to collate all the data that I now have and spend some time looking at all the video footage from the sewers. Leather bird is well despite eating one of my lab coats with penlight and biros attached.

Everyone is in apparent good health.

Food dishes.....

Jack......Spag Bol...... because he is the messiest eater I have ever met!

Ianto..... Salad....because he is the pickiest eater I have ever met!

Tosh..... Tiramasu...simply gorgeous.

Gwen.... Pavlova..... sweet, fluffy and rather sexy, especially with whipped cream...how do I know? I hear you ask!

Me..... Bangers and Mash with loads of gravy....Perfection really.


	38. Chapter 38

MEDICAL OFFICER'S LOG, TORCHWOOD3: Dr Martha Jones (UNIT Secondment).

It is going to be impossible to put this into any words that make any kind of sense.

As requested by Captain Jack Harkness I came to Torchwood 3 to assist with an investigation into the deaths of test subjects for a drug known as Reset. This has been part of an ongoing UNIT investigation and it was a good chance to catch up with my dear friend and meet the Torchwood team that my colleagues are always complaining about. The operation behind the dubious medical experiments has been shut down. (See attached case file res226453x). At the end of this investigation Dr Owen Harper was shot and killed by a single bullet wound to his chest. I was about to perform the post mortem when Captain Harkness told me not to proceed. Sometime later he returned to 'the Hub' with a device the Torchwood team referred to as a 'resurrection gauntlet'. Said glove was used to 'revive' Dr Owen Harper...though Jack assures me this was only supposed to be temporary. The upshot of this is that Dr Owen Harper is walking around, sentient, conscious, aware and fully physically articulate..... but with no vital signs whatsoever. Technically and medically he is dead (by normal human standards).... but he is very much alive. He's like a paradox between life and death. I have no way to explain it. It is both extremely sad and fascinating at the same time. Under any other circumstances I would say he requires detailed study, but he is still Owen Harper and ergo a human being with feelings. The basic fundamentals of his existence have been completey altered. I wouldn't even like to guess what it is he is going through. I think he's found a friend in Toshiko though, she quite obviously wants to be there for him.

The other consequence of this was a creature that followed Owen back from the dead... Well I suppose it channelled itself through him. Anyway it killed 12 people and Owen finally sent it back to where it came from. He is left feeling very guilty for the deaths that ultimately Jack is responsible for. I think Jack is regretting what he did, I know he and Ianto had quite a heated argument about it, late last night (Followed by very loud make up sex).... Don't want to hear THAT again. Ianto needs to sound proof the walls in his flat!

The Torchwood team...well I know what the Doctor would say...... Brilliant. They really are. I can see why Jack wanted so much to come back to them. They are a tight knit group. It was wonderful to see Jack, to talk about 'our year' and talk about Tom and Ianto. God I'd never believe that Jack could be one to settle down.... So that's his Welsh Tea Boy more like coffee emperor, I've never had such a fantastic brew! My bosses at UNIT are slagging off Torchwood all the time, but these are a great bunch... This is real frontier stuff that they have to deal with out here. I know the Doc will be pleased with the work that Jack is trying to do. I adore Ianto, he's such a gentleman on the surface but knowing Jack I bet Ianto's got one very wide naughty streak under those suits.

As for Owen. I can't imagine how he is going to function from now on. He seems to be coming to terms, even went so far as to demonstrate what he now does after he's drunk a cup of coffee, much to Ianto's and Tosh's horror. I hope I get to work with these guys again. Jack wants me to stay on, but I can't. My family still need me in London and Tom is doing so well at St Thomas' Hospital so I invited Jack and Ianto over for a long weekend, away from work so that they could have time together away from the Rift and responsibility. I think they need that. Jack agreed. He told me that Ianto has recall of that year, through his dreams and even though he doesn't understand them..... Well Jack told him everything which is a measure of how much he trusts Ianto. I am glad Jack is happy, though I really don't want to know what he wants to do with Ianto in a UNIT Red Cap.

I'm not over fussed on Gwen, she was talking avidly about her up coming wedding and relentlessly flirting with Jack. I wonder what Ianto makes of it. I know Jack laps up the attention, but he's definitely different with Ianto, I hope he's treating that boy right....ok aunty Martha, not your business.... I just like Ianto.

Anyway best email this to Jack... I hope I get to work with the gang again soon.

Dr Martha Jones.


	39. Chapter 39

THE DEAD DOCTOR'S DIARY OF DOOM: Yep thats me!

I am so never going to get used to this whole dead thing. Shit well what did I expect? I am getting seriously fed up with the pitying looks Gwen keeps giving me and Tosh well, she's sympathetic and too over protective, Jack can't even look at me. I know he feels responsible...IS responsible for my condition and I still can't decide whether or not I am grateful to be still here. Shit, it certainly shatters your faith (not that I've ever been religious or anything.), but there is definitely no God on the other side and quite frankly if that really is where you go when you snuff it, give me being undead every time. Oddly the only person who isn't treating me any different is Ianto. At first I wasn't sure whether or not I should be insulted, but to be honest I appreciate his candour. He was honest told me that I freaked him out a bit but I was still Owen and that nothing's changed. We still bitch at each other and some nights we've taken up playing poker, it's his way of helping me cope without the gush and sentimentalism....that guy would make an excellent clinical psycologist. I know he's given up his time with Jack for me. I asked him why and he said it was because I helped him after Lisa, but mainly because he sees I am suffering in the same that Jack does, not being able to sleep.... coping with a fundamentally different type of existence. It's weird the way he understands that. I guess he's been around Jack along time.

I'm missing Martha, she was funny and damned hot too, but we're all settling back into things.

We had a bad incident this morning though. Jack, Ianto and Gwen were out on a call, some drunk driver decided to drive along the footpath and Ianto managed to shove Gwen out of the way, but he was hit by the car..... nothing too serious, some broken ribs and a fractured wrist. Jack, however lost the plot and dragged said driver out of his vehicle and beat the shit out of him. The police want to press charges of assault. Gwen managed to convince them not to. Ianto's going to be in hospital for a couple of days though. Thing is, I know now why Jack freaked so badly. The whole immortality thing. I am finally beginning to appreciate how hard that must be for him. He told me a few nights ago just how much he loves Ianto, I wouldn't like to guess at what losing him would do to him. It must be hard for him having Ianto out in the field facing the shit and not being able to show favouritism or be over protective. Ianto's a tough bastard, I've seen him handle himself so well and he is much more confident than he ever used to be. I'm certain that's all down to Jack, those two are just joined at the hip. Of course Gwen doesn't have a clue, silly cow is getting married next week and you can see she keeps looking at Jack for an excuse not to. I suppose you can't blame her in a way.... Jack is ..... well Jack, but she really hasn't a clue just how close Jack and Ianto are or maybe she just wasn't to.

I miss shagging, I miss food and I miss booze and sleeping.... well at least it makes me more productive at work... for the first time ever my paperwork is complete. I've no back log of bodies to dissect. So I will probably produce the most comprehensive studies of Retcon and Weevil behaviour in the universe by the time I am done.

My body still feels wrong to me.... I can't tell what I smell like..... eau de rotting corpse?..... I am showering every day just in case, but hey the upside.... no more razor burn! I asked Ianto if I smell bad and he replied that I always smelt bad.... cheeky bastard! I'm keeping a log on the way my body behaves. It's bit macabre really. I guess my over riding question is, what happens to me when / if my body finally breaks down? At which point do I cease to exist? Head fuck or what???!!!

Jack's reduced my operational status. I was fucking pissed with him at first, and Ianto for that matter. I understand why he's done it, after all I'm a bit like that bloke in 'Unbreakable'.....'Mr Glass'. I guess it will take the others a bit of time to get used to the new me, like I said Ianto seems to have least problem with it.... maybe because too he was used to dealing with Lisa. He doesn't see me as a zombie or some freaky dead man, just Owen in a different suit....

Right then..... time for a Tosh tournament on the WII. I will so whoop her arse!


	40. Chapter 40

The Dancing Dead Doctor's Diary of Death........duh....duh....duhhhhhh! Ianto may well consider himself a wedding fairy, I , on the other hand most certainly am NOT!

Well with Jonesy on restricted duties due to broken ribs it fell to Miss Cooper to go help Jackie Boy chase a Nostrovite..... not that we knew it was a nostrovite at the time of course..... The night before her wedding, right before her hen do. Trust her to get bit....It certainly made for an interesting wedding! Where does one actually start THAT tale? Jack not only managed to insult the mother in law, run up the ailse to stop the wedding and seriously piss off his boyfriend........Gwen gets her herself a nice nostro egg the size of a full term pregnancy and provided everybody in the whole of South Wales with enough gossip for a year.....shame we had to Retcon them really!

It's a miracle Rhys didn't murder Jack. I am not entirely certain that Ianto hasn't dumped him as I know for a fact the Tea Boy went home alone last night and Gwen, quite frankly really doesn't deserve Rhys. I just can't believe that woman! If anything she and Jack should have a damn good shagging and get it over with. I'll be honest it was the most fun I've had in years....God so much to tell. Tosh what a fun girl to dance with she is and seeing her tied up on that bed was a bit more erotic than I'd care to admit in public... Ianto is a closet DJ and a damn fine one at that, he's also a dab hand at dress shopping as well. I am SO never going to let him forget it either!

That's given me enough material to torment my colleagues with to last a couple of months, and yes I am rubbing my hands together with glee, I've get precious little else to amuse myself with, may as well torture my happy friends.

Anyway Ianto didn't show for work this morning so I think I can safely say that he is more than a little pissed off as he never does that without calling in. I know Jack has tried him calling a couple of times. That man really has no clue so it fell to me to explain to him that eye fucking Gwen on the dance floor on her wedding day was probably not his smartest move. His face was a picture of astounded innocence and bemusement, I think he actually enjoys winding Ianto up sometimes and when I said that and then told him he was a twat for hurting him like that Jack got all defensive and started complaining about 21st century morals and told me that Ianto shouldn't be so insecure. I was in a bit of a heroic mood so I then reminded Jack that he was effectively everything that Ianto had because everybody else he loved is already dead and that Jack had to stop being so damned insensitive. That got his attention and he looked suitably chastised. Back of the net, Owen.....Yes! I could see Tosh smiling at me from behind Jack so I think she approved too. Made my morning!

Anyway after all that excitement. The singularity scalpel works like a dream. Gwen has since had Nostrovite egg removed with no ill effects and we had to issue out rather a large amount of Retcon Level six.....Case notes attached, fuck knows what Ianto is going to file all that lot under..... Mel Brooks movies would be my category!

OOOOOh, hang on Ianto's ringing me......

Ok, he's not in. His cat's been run over and he's at the vet! Best go and tell Jack. I didn't even know Ianto had a cat. Why is he ringing me? He must be REALLY pissed off with Jack!


	41. Chapter 41

Owen's log of life the universe and leatherbirds....

Ianto was bawling his eyes out in the vaults yesterday morning. Apparently his cat died. Nothing major in itself of course but when I found him on the floor huddled against the wall he went off on one, talking about how everything he touches dies. It's weird the way something so small brings everything else into sharp relief. He took his cat to the cemetery last night and buried it with his dad because he doesn't have a proper garden at home and he couldn't stand the idea of it being cremated. He's a funny one. Truth is I know just how he feels, and the poor sod is nearly 10 years younger than I am, that can't be good. I asked why he hadn't talked to Jack about how he was feeling and he said he didn't want to burden him any more than he was already.... They were still not talking in other words, though I know Jack had tried. Ianto can be a stubborn bugger when he wants to be. I'm just glad Gwen is still on her honeymoon, I don't think either of them need her around right now. I know Jack is worried sick about Ianto, they've had a couple of very vocal arguments. It is fascinating watching them fight. They are both so intensely passionate and say as much with their body language and meaningful silences as they do with their words. It's sorted now though, evidence on the CCTV, their make-up sex is pretty full on. Tosh's eyes were like saucers when she watched the footage.

I have been doing a comprehensive study of my condition. Testing things out. See what things my body does and doesn't respond to. I have discovered I need to put in eye drops a few times a day. It's no great hassel, though it did take a while to find the most effective things that required the least amount of application. I'm finding I only need to do the restitching on my hand every two or three days and there's no infection in there. That really surprises me. I mean technically it should be rank with infection by now but whatever the energy is in my body seems to have enhanced my immunity to bacteria and viruses. Shame I can't heal in other ways. Jack is absolutely right I cannot to cut myself or break anything. I'm also having to stick to a rigorous exercise regime to keep the muscles supple so that they don't tear. I wonder just how long the body itself can be sustained by the energy. There's been no drop off in the energy since 'death' got sent back, maybe I will stay like this forever..... I bloody hope not. I can't see how I can, the very laws of nature go against it, the body will fall apart eventually. I wonder what happens to me then?

Weevil studies are continuing and I have attached all the files with this for you Ianto to Archive...neat freaky bugger that you are. Have also got some additional stuff to add to the Hoix folder as well.... Yes a busy week catching up once again with research notes.

I've also been training Tosh and Ianto on advanced first aid practice.... just in case I do suddenly go out of commission. I know Ianto has been learning a lot of Techie stuff from Tosh as well. The bloke is a sponge as far as knowledge is concerned, though he is much more adept with the techie stuff. He's never been over fond of touching anyone (bar Harkness), so the extra medical duties could probably fall to Gwen or Tosh.

He's been working on the new computer terminal in the SUV. Tosh decided it was a good training exercise for him and he seems to be getting on ok. Jack also advised me that he and Ianto would be in London for a few days next week. Basically when Gwen gets back they're going to a UNIT thing and staying with Martha and Tom. Ianto's meeting the new Minister For Defence and she's a hot chick by all accounts, I think Jack might be a bit worried about his Tea Boy straying.

Hopefully Gwen would have toned down a bit by the time she gets back. We're going to get bored to death with loads of honeymoon photos, I just know it!

I miss coffee. Funny really it's not the drink itself, more the act of drinking! There's something soothing about having a hot mug in your hands first thing in the morning. Ianto's getting too good at poker for his own good..... must try something harder like chess or backgammon, I think the wagers need increasing too.


	42. Chapter 42

Uhmmm I am running out of names for this...Maybe I should ask Ianto....Harper's Histories....maybe.

This has been a funny week. Cooper's back with honeymoon photos in tow, oh god well that WAS a bore I can tell you. Tosh and Ianto are such good actors you know, they both had this look of polite interest. It was amazing, Ianto the smug git got out of the whole thing by going off to make coffee. It does not take twenty minutes to make 4 cups of coffee, even Jack's seeking revenge on him for deserting us in the boardroom.

We had these ghost things to deal with and that is the last time I let Ianto convince me to go to the cinema with him, aside from his appalling taste in movies...... I did a PM on one of the victims (File attached). I wish I understood the way Tea Boy chooses his catalogue numbers. It's weird the way they died. In some ways I could liken it to my own condition. It's hard to explain but I could not actually put a known cause of death on the certificates. Ianto took this case very badly and was extremely upset by the number of deaths. He's handling the care of the one remaining survivor, I think that kid has got a guardian for life now. I do not know why Ianto took this one so personally. I asked Jack about it and he told me that he thinks Ianto may have encountered something similar before and of course his run in with the 'ghosts' at Canary Wharf won't have helped.

It's unbelievable. Gwen is still flirting with Jack. The woman has no shame. I have to admit I am beginning to think that it is some kind of game that she and Jack play. I think she and Ianto had a talk about it too because he doesn't seem so off about it now. Jack's just a compulsive groper. I got in this morning and he Gwen and Tosh were chasing one another around the Hub with water pistols (I later found out said weapons had been supplied by Ianto!). I then of course got dragged into the battle and with no pistol to hand I settled on a bucket of water, which ended up all over Ianto. Not surprisingly after that he and Jack disappeared to Jack's quarters 'to get changed'....... 3 hours later! Yes, well too much information. I have to say it was a good exercise in de-stressing everybody.

It's just Tosh, Gwen and I this week as Jack and Ianto are in London. They were supposed to go last week but something went down at UNIT HQ and the dates got changed. Fortunately, so far it's been quiet and our two UNIT back up boys haven't had to be dragged out of their Hotel yet, mind you Jack and Tea Boy have only been gone a few hours......

Did the routine medicals for everyone this week as well. No problems.

Gwen has completely recovered from her Nostrovite experience.

Ianto's headaches appear to have stopped though Jack reports that he is still suffering from night terrors and not sleeping properly. He's eating regularly at least and has finally gained some weight.

My condition remains unchanged.

Janet had had a weevil cold/flu thing. I've kept her in isolation, just in case it can cross species and make humans ill, but it's looking like she is recovering.

The leather bird had a bout of Dehli Belly, seems she's been eating something she shouldn't have...... We found out Jack has been feeding her wine gums.... Ianto was very very annoyed.


	43. Chapter 43

I just knew Flat Holm would come up! Fucking bloody Jack and his secrets and fucking Gwen and her nosiness and poor old Tea Boy stuck in the middle of it again. I don't know what happened (ie what Ianto did) but he and Jack.... I thought Jack was going to kill him at first. I've never seen an argument quite like it. Those two are such powerful personalities, they were practically screaming at one another about trust and betrayal and the whole Lisa thing came up and Jack running off etc.... the craziness got worse when Jack broke down right at the end of it and held his arms to Ianto and they just stood there for over an hour holding each other in silence (well Ianto was silent.... Jack was bawling his eyes out!). I guess Jonah Bevan had one of his episodes then. I feel for sorry for Ianto; Jack must be a dangerous person to love when he's like this.

As for Gwen, well I understand her motives but she should have left well alone aside from the damage to Nicki, it hasn't done Jack and Ianto's relationship any good either. She can be so over the top with her human thing.... I mean when Jack says leave alone... we should know by now that he's right and he says it for a reason. He only told Ianto because he knew Ianto would handle dealing with it on an emotional level. Jack must be right royally fed up with her disobeying him.

I don't think they saw me watching them. Truth is when I heard Jack screaming angrily at Ianto I got a bit worried. I don't know if Jack has ever been violent with him in the past, Ianto certainly hasn't indicated that he has. But the way Jack was standing the rage was just washing off him in waves, what amazed me was the fact that Ianto stood up to it without a flinch, I couldn't have done that. It must be hard trying to have a relationship within Torchwood. Gwen and I never really got attached when were shagging. I mean I like her, but it was never love or anything close to it where as Jack and Ianto quite clearly do love one another very intensely. Gwen was telling me that she walked in on them whilst they were fucking in the hothouse and poor Ianto was rather embarrassed and Jack was completely brazen and open about it even invited her to join them (or so she says). I think Ianto worries about appearances too much..... Life is too fucking short.... I should know. I think Jack would fall apart without him, I know Ianto would fall apart without Jack.

Tosh is still collecting her 'Janto porn'. We're pretty sad really because we sometimes sit and watch the DVDs at hers. She's been like an anchor for me these last couple of months. I was so rude to her initially but she's been so loyal between her and Ianto keeping me entertained and sane in the small hours. She's been teaching me Japanese and Ianto is teaching me Welsh now, and the two of them are having wagers about which sentences I can say right first. It all helps me cope I guess. I have come close to losing it couple of times and somehow the two of them just know when I am hitting my limit. I never really appreciated the value of my friends before now and who my friends really are. That being this gang that I work with.

UNIT sent over some bio samples for us to look at. Martha and I have been co- researching on matter displacement for some project UNIT are dealing with. I've no idea what it is for.... need to know. Jack'll find out though, he always does. I'm not so sure about his methods of finding out though, perhaps I don't want to know and I am certain that Ianto doesn't want to.

Ianto's been out at Flat Holm today trying to smooth over Helen's ruffled feathers and to visit Jonah. He and Ianto have become friends over the time Jonah has been there and I guess right now that is what Jonah needs as apparently Nicki won't be visiting him again. That's gotta be hard whichever way you look at it. Jack's been obvious by his absence.... Ianto told me he was at his flat, recovering from last nights.... well whatever. I think he just didn't want to see Gwen today. She's been incredibly quiet. She and Ianto had a discrete chat when she first got in, I guess she was worried that he had got into trouble with Jack because she hugged him and I saw him cringe when she did it. I don't think Ianto is ever going to wholly trust Gwen but he obviously trusts her enough to let her in his space. I do wonder at his motives for helping her find out about Flat Holm. I suspect he was trying to teach her a lesson about trusting Jack's judgement..... If he was well, he was probably right and I suspect there was a lesson in there for Jack too about trusting us. How did that boy get so wise? The more I learn about him the more I have to admire his strength of character. Him and Tosh, they are the foundations of this place and we don't appreciate them nearly enough.

Well reports to do.... How boring is that.!!!!!


	44. Chapter 44

MEDICAL OFFICER'S LOG: TORCHWOOD 3. IANTO JONES, GENERAL SUPPORT.

Dr Owen Harper killed in the line of duty. (Case # gre223221). Dr Harper was attempting to prevent a disastrous leak of radiation at the Turnmill Nuclear Power Plant. He was trapped inside the building when the building was flooded with radiation. Retrieval of his remains is not possible. No further action required. Family notified.

Toshiko Sato killed in the line of duty, (case # gre223221). Single bullet wound to the abdomen and broken L wrist sustained. Family have been notified, awaiting instructions regarding funeral arrangements.

Captain Jack Harkness: suffering from exposure and severe PTSD as a result of being buried alive for a prolonged period of time and repeated deaths and resurrections, ( case # gre223221). Treatment on going.

Ianto Jones, general support suffered dislocation of Left shoulder and subsequent damage to ligaments, and two broken ribs, recovering after treatment at Cardiff General A&E in the absence of Dr Harper; note same case number.

Grey, the man responsible for all of the above is currently in cryo stasis, his condition is stable; note same case number.

PERSONAL:

It's been like revisiting Canary Wharf. We are all shattered. Thank god Rhys is there for Gwen. I do not know how we are going to move on from this. Jack... well. I just wish Owen were here to fix him. He hasn't left my side for days, for which I am grateful because I was worried his prolonged burial would leave him without his memories of us, not just our relationship, but everything. He will be a long time recovering....scratch that.... How do you recover? Our hearts are breaking and the Rift just doesn't let up for a moment.

I know that if I ever see John Hart again I will kill him. Ultimately he is as much responsible as Grey. Truth I want to kill Grey as well, but that is not for me to decide. I suspect Grey is beyond redemption after what has been done to him. I just wish Jack didn't blame himself. It's the whole survivor's guilt thing, I've lived with it every day since CW.

Of my dead friends I can only say this. Tosh and Owen were like family, they are family. I cannot imagine life without them. I compiled a list of names... all the lives that Owen has saved; there are 427 of them, including mine. That is testament enough. My beautiful Toshiko, the closest thing to a sister I will ever have.

I went out to Turnmill yesterday to see if I could find Owen. Is he dead? I mean really dead?

Jack has moved into my flat.... something about not wanting to be underground. I have never seen him so vulnerable. He, Rhys and Gwen have been eating with us in my kitchen every night since.... None of us can bear to be alone right now.

I don't know what else to say really. It's been a privilege, I am lucky to have known them and I am sorry that I have out lived them. I hope I am worth it, I really do.

Ianto Jones

**AN: THANK YOU EVERYBODY...SO MANY OF YOU HAVE REVIEWED AND BEEN SO LOYAL TO THIS STORY I AM REALLY FLATTERED.....OH WELL BACK TO THE REAL WORLD AND MAYBE SEE SOME OF YOU AT HUB2?**


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